Edition 15 to 94ish
CLAYTON CRICKET CLUB – WEEKLY NEWSLETTER EDITION FIFTEEN
W/E.12.09.09
Please let me apologise for the three week vanishing trick, but The Mushroom is back, with the season’s penultimate edition.
PREVIEW FROM THE WEEKEND
Due to the time that has lapsed ( and the fact I don’t possess all the facts and figures from the six games played ) I will attempt to condense into an easy to browse format…
1st TEAM
22-08-09 A – Augustinians 95, Clayton 96-3 ( 10/0 – Clayton points total first )
No individual performances available
29-08-09 H – Stones 150-8, Clayton 153-7 ( 8/4 )
No individual performances available
05-09-09 A – Stainland 88, Clayton 91-2 ( 10/0 )
Elf 5-16, Amstrad 4-18 and Knackers 42
The first team continued to rack up the points, and after the victory at Stainland, the title was won, with a game to play. A fantastic achievement for Ash and the boys, fully deserved after thirteen ten pointers.
I don’t want to pick out any individuals, as it has been a real team effort, from start to finish.
2nd TEAM
22-08-09 H – Greetland 81, Clayton 84-2 ( 10/0 )
No individual performances available
29-08-09 A – Outlane 199, Clayton 106 ( 4/10 )
Smiler 4-31
05-09-09 H – Low Moor 145-9, Clayton 149-1 ( 8/2 )
Galley 117no
The seconds acquired the desired points at Outlane, to gain promotion to the premier division. After a slow start, the boys put together a superb set of results, to elevate them to second in the division…a place they didn’t relinquish.
Again, I don’t want to discuss individuals, as every player selected has done their bit.
In next week’s finale, The Button Mushroom Awards 2009, will recognise the top performers, and one or two not so top performers!!!
DUCK CLUB 2009
Six games played…six ducks bagged. A relatively poor return, but with only one game remaining, the race for the trophy rumbles on at a pace. The six recipients were Inzamam Jnr, proving he may be a chip off the old block after all, Ledg, Potter, Sykes, Islam and Amstrad.
With the possibility of Ash, Beaky, Knackers and Amstrad ( unsure if Jed is playing or not ) wielding the willow at the weekend, the award is still there to be grabbed from the jaws of defeat, resulting in a new name on the freshly polished trophy.
All to play for, and here’s hoping for a duck bonanza.
Below is the up to date list @ the 5th September 2009…
John Hartley – 3
John Jonas – 3
Tim Evans – 3
Jason Taylor – 3
Jake Thwaite - 3
Jonathan Green - 2
Sam Wilson - 2
Paul Ascough – 2
Andy Sutcliffe – 2
Jed Illingworth – 2
Amjad Ali – 2
Danny Roddis – 2
Martin Hodgson – 1
Ben Raywood – 1
Howard Stead – 1
Matthew Connell – 1
Tony Coulwill – 1
Andy Windle – 1
Joe Selby – 1
Aiden Sykes – 1
Jonny Lees – 1
Matty Claire - 1
PLAYER PROFILES
Due to the lack of a newsletter for the last three weeks, six…yes six throbbing members share the spotlight this week…Becks, Craigy, Deano, Brooky, Wiggy and Pretty Boy. Please read on…
Name – Jeremy Robertshaw
Favourite nickname – Jiz Gurgler…thanks in no uncertain terms to Knackers…but i sort of quite like it
Favourite band – Shalimar…i just love throwing a few shapes out to some quality camp disco
Favourite film – Strictly Ballroom…all that chiffon and sequins gets me all moist
Football team supported – LA Galaxy
Sporting hero – who else but David “ Becks “ Beckham. A real role model for me…as a father and a bit of a looker…and that six pack’s a bit tasty…I’d love to lick him…oops, sorry, too much information
Bad habit – spending inordinate pots of money on clothes…just recently i purchased a pair of briefs for £199.99. Admittedly, they had JR diamond encrusted on the front!
Weakness – i can be a tad vain, which may explain the nineteen mirrors on display at Chez Jez
Strength – i might be a bit of a ponce, but I’m a tough little cookie, have a good chin and can take a punch. If you look carefully, you can see a permanent imprint of Michelle’s knuckles, across my cheekbone!
Hobbies / interests – i was a top art student, in my youth, and am now using those skills to portrait friends and family to hopefully make a few bob. Beasty offered himself up for a naked sitting, to which i politely refused his kind offer
Embarrassing moment – “ shut up Michelle…i did not have your stockings and suspenders on! “ “ er…please don’t print that Greeny “
Guilty pleasure – I’ve been advised by Michelle not to give an answer to this one
Name – Jason Craig
Favourite nickname – Stumpy…nothing to do with me lack of fingers…it’s because I’m short, fat and keep wicket!
Favourite band – no surprise with this one…The Jam. Not a good mix when I’ve had a bevy or two though…just ask Boothy!!
Favourite film – Snow White and the Eight Dwarfs
Football team supported – Liverpool FC
Sporting hero- adopted scouser Jan Molby. Fat, slow, but a fu**ing class act!
Bad habit – swearing…every other word, so I’m told! I’ve tried to curb it, but it’s no fu**ing good. Job’s fu**ed, so fu** it!
Weakness – can’t take me drink…three pints and i turn into Harry Hard Bastard
Strength – I’m extremely patient and placid…nothing ruffles my feathers. “ Is this gonna take much longer Greeny, cos I’m bored shi*less, you bald get “
Hobbies / interests – in charge of the junior cricket scene in Clayton, with Doctor Cricket… Twiggy and Wiggy running the show…quality!
Embarrassing moment – whilst at Thornton CC, this season, watching our U11’s, a spectator asked me “ what number are you batting little man? “ W****r!
Guilty pleasure – is it wrong to have a stirring for the queen of mean…Anne Robinson?
Name – Dean Smith
Favourite nickname – Buster ( as in Bloodvessel )
Favourite band – Klaxons...i’m still out there with the kids. “ Sorry Greeny, what did you say…what’s my favourite Klaxons track? Er…i like em all “
Favourite film – i like rufty tufty films, being a bit of a lad and all that. Titanic’s me fave!
Football team supported – Liverpool FC. I’ve missed many a cricket game ( after being selected to play ) to watch the mighty reds!!!
Sporting hero – Jack Wilson ( Shelf CC ) ??
Bad habit – juggling with chainsaws
Weakness – i can be a tad unreliable. Enough said really
Strength – loyalty…it’s my middle name. Backed up by the fact Clayton CC is only my sixteenth club!
Hobbies / interests – don’t have time for hobbies…too busy doing my household chores
Embarrassing moment – the wife was in a foul mood, one day a while back, and she shouted ” get in your kennel, you dirty beast!” Two hours later she came out into the back yard to inform me she was shouting at the dog!
Guilty pleasure – the blond piece from Abba. Bet she goes like a train
Name – John Brook
Favourite nickname – Hanibal Lecturer
Favourite band – oh lord, i don’t know about a favourite band…more of a favourite composer…Wagner does it for me
Favourite film – i read my fellow high brow committee member’s profile recently ( Mr.Stevens ) and was utterly appalled by his chavvy choice of Rita, Sue and Bob too! I prefer a more thought provoking story…got to be Under Siege featuring Steven Seagal!
Football team supported – goodness gracious…i don’t watch or even like football. It’s a game played and watched by Neanderthals. Croquet and Polo’s more my bag
Sporting hero – Sir Len Hutton. A masterful batsman and a nice lad also…i taught him maths, at grammar school
Bad habit – serial farter
Weakness – sherry
Strength – the ability to sniff out a masterpiece. Whilst in
Hobbies / interests – I’m into fine art and only recently exclusively purchased a print off Jeremy. A beautiful portrait of Jonny Lees. What i will say is, he’s not exactly a big lad for a big lad…but his testicles are huge!
Embarrassing moment – i feel ill…just had word from the auction house…my print did not meet the £5k reserve i put on it. It didn’t even get above the £500 mark. Turns out it was painted by Gordon Banks!
Guilty pleasure – good grief, Gita would castrate me if i gave you an answer to this one. Mind you she’s completely PC illiterate, so she won’t get to read this…………Kelly Brook…wonderful bosoms!
Name – Damian Selby
Favourite nickname – fu** me I’ve got thousands…most of em are either unprintable or just downright insulting. Doctor Cricket suits me just fine, thank you. Don’t mind The Walrus of Love, either!
Favourite band – Queen
Favourite film – Animal Farm…Christ, the George Orwell one, not the one with chickens and pigs in…oh crap, they’ve both got chi…The Guns of Navarone
Football team supported –
Sporting hero – no it’s not Ian Austin or Dwayne Leverock or Ian Blackwell or David Boon or Inzamam-ul-Haq! Just grow up morons! It’s Craig Stadler, if you must know
Bad habit – fu** me, I’ve got thousands of those as well…sweating profusely probably tops the list though. I sweat just breathing!
Weakness – I’ve never been particularly good at cricket!
Strength – I’m broad shouldered…you’ve got to be with all the flak and heavy artillery that’s constantly fired in my direction!
Hobbies / interests – i collect cricket memorabilia. I have a bottle top utilised by Wasim Akram, David Gower’s afro comb and an empty baked bean tin discarded by Jack Russell, amongst many other artefacts. Closer to home, i have six duck awards, eight slug awards and Mark Paynter’s box!
Embarrassing moment – when attending Connell’s and Victoria’s wedding, the bride’s mother asked me if I’d sing Nessun Dorma
Guilty pleasure – contrary to popular belief, it’s not Graham Stevens…Mark Paynter’s still the one for me
Name – Matthew Connell
Favourite nickname – Hadley, as in Tony Hadley, the rather swarthy and more than handsome lead singer of Spandau Ballet
Favourite band – Take That. I pray for the day that Robbie rejoins though
Favourite film – A Quantum of Solace…I’m a real James Bond geek. Quite fancy the lead role, if and when Daniel Craig jacks it in
Football team supported –
Sporting hero – dart player extraordinaire Glen Moody. A pub player who qualified for the world championships in 2007…and won his first round contest. You had to see him to believe it…ugly as sin, laughed and giggled to himself on stage and threw some pretty fine shapes out as well. A total tool, who won a place in my heart!
Bad habit – some people…well actually most people…think I’m arrogant. Tossers…don’t they know who i am?
Weakness – none…simple as!
Strength – confidence…I’ve got shed loads of it. You can’t be this handsome and have self doubts
Hobbies / interests – it might surprise you, but I’m big into gardening, with bush art, or topiary to the well educated, being my forte. Working on a privet at present…
Embarrassing moment – don’t do embarrassing as a rule, although some would say the first dance on my wedding day was not my finest moment!?
Guilty pleasure – I’ve got a soft spot ( and sometimes a hard spot ) for newsreader Fiona Bruce
ASHES TO ASHES
I’m not going to bore you with stats from the series and who i thought did what etc etc. What i do want to say, is that it was a fine achievement regaining the ashes, even if the Aussies aren’t the team they used to be.
The first and last tests were where the ashes were won and lost…the first test should have been a shoe in for Australia, but Ponting ballsed up by keeping North on when he should have had Johnson, Siddle or Hilfenhaus steaming in at Anderson and Panesar, and taking their heads off, if needed. In the final test, it was the turn of
The Aussie batters and bowlers lead the runs and wicket stats, but England scored runs and took wickets when it mattered the most…let us not forget Freddie’s run out of Ponting, on the final afternoon!
Two average sides, with a lot to do to be the world’s number one, but i do feel
Now, let me take you back, with an excerpt from The Button Mushroom, edition five…
All in all a very inexperienced squad, with a distinctly defensive look about it. Fitness worries surround Lee, Clark and Watson, which is a fair chunk of their entire bowling attack. The font of all things cricket…Dr.Cricket, tips the Aussies to win the series 3-1, to retain the ashes…i disagree wholeheartedly and think England will triumph 2-0 or 2-1.
Any more predictions like that Selbs, and your doctorate may be in danger!!
TALKING POINT(S)
I thought this edition I’d wax lyrical about a couple of non cricketing subjects…a recent article in The Daily Mirror and a decent gesture in today’s money laden world of football.
Last week whilst on a driving break, i was reading the day’s newspaper and in particular a piece on a north/south divide. It was broken into ten examples with one being the regularity of couples having sex!! The north came out on top, with
I’m fully aware that i abuse the newsletter in my support of the mighty Burnley FC…but i feel i must comment on the fine gesture from the club, in aid of the financially stricken Accrington Stanley, who owe HM Customs and Excise the princely sum of £308k and have to have it paid within eight weeks, to stave off a winding up order ( i do realise teams have to keep their own house in order )
A game was hastily arranged at Turf Moor ( 8th Sept.2009 ) between the two clubs, with all proceeds going to
I’ve supported
BILL AND DILL
“ Look Bill man…it’s patently obvious what the bloody problem is here…you’re not funny! Maybe it’s a better idea if you play the Wise to my Morecambe? “
“ Dill, you can’t be serious…I’m a comedic superstar of the future “
“ Exactly man…future being the operative word! “
NEIGHBOURHOOD WATCH
A final visit to “ ye auld enemy “ up the hill…
The first team, with one game to play, lay in fourth spot, with 145 points. A top effort in their first season in the top division. A couple of additions for next season, and I’m sure they will be challenging for honours.
The seconds have struggled somewhat, during the second half of the season, and have slipped to seventh, with 116 points, also with a game to play. Holidays etc have taken their toll, and Billy has had a real battle on his hands, in the role of skipper.
I read their blog from time to time, and have to say a lot of negative crap is spouted ( no doubt the majority of the said crap from losers not attached to the club ) One or two bods react to the comments, which plays right into their hands. Just ignore it lads.
The way i see it, both teams are in the premier division, both teams have had good seasons, both teams got to their respective cup semis, the club won the 20/20 cup and one or two juniors have come through the ranks and stood up and been counted.
Not much to worry about really.
TODGERS OF THE WEEKS ( sponsored by Tim Evans )
It’s been a real struggle to come up with a victim this week, so I’ve cast the net wider and come up with a couple from the world of football…
Diego Maradona…single-handedly wrecking the Argentinian national side
Steve McLaren…with England playing Croatia, two years after the Euro 2008 debacle, the pictures of “ the wally with the brolly “ resurfaced, reminding us what a twat McLaren was ( and probably still is )
ANY OTHER BUSINESS
I’d best start with the “ change to constitution “ which has been passed, after a secret ballot. Don’t ask me to explain it, cos i haven’t got a clue.
Good luck to the future club captains.
Commiserations must go to the U15’s, who were defeated by Lightcliffe, in their cup final, on bank holiday Monday.
They should be very proud of their efforts, and I’m sure most didn’t even expect them to reach the final.
Well done lads and well done Selbs.
Good luck to The Clarets, for their trip to Anfield.
The final day of the season is on us, and what a way to finish…a home game and the presentation of the Terry Wynne 1st XI trophy to our victorious first team.
Hopefully the sun will be shining, the ground will be buzzing and a good day will be had by all.
Edition 14
CLAYTON CRICKET CLUB – WEEKLY NEWSLETTER EDITION FOURTEEN
W/E.22.08.09
PREVIEW FROM THE WEEKEND
It turned out to be quite a strange weekend of cricket, as rain affected both our team’s games, resulting in the Duckworth-Lewis thingy coming into play!
The firsts entertained Outlane, and the visitors scored a challenging 213-9, off their forty four overs. Knackers took 4-78 and Amstrad an impressive 4-31The rain came down, leaving the boys approximately thirty overs to score 151.
This proved a relatively easy task, with Howzer leading from the front, continuing his good form this season, top scoring with 80, resulting in a very important eight points being gained.
The seconds travelled to Booth for an old fashioned top of the table clash, and as with the firsts, took to the field with ball in hand. Booth are a very good second team and it was no surprise that they racked up a more than useful 252-6. Winny was on good form taking 4-65. Again the rain intervened, and Clayton were asked to chase down 162 off approximately twenty six overs.
The total was reached with three overs and two wickets to spare. Yet again Joanna was the star, crashing a quick fire 56.
I’m sure both teams were relatively happy with their lot for the day, as Clayton secured seven points and Booth five.
The weather certainly favoured the sides batting second, but it all tends to even itself out over the course of a season.
Ash’s Aces retained top spot, four points clear of nearest rivals Stones, with a game in hand, whilst Hodgey’s Hero’s plough on regardless, and remain second, eighteen points behind leaders Booth and eleven points in front of third placed Shelf.
DUCK CLUB 2009
Another poor week for duck bagging, with just the one to add to the list below…but what a one it was…my fellow Mushroomer Cartman! Apparently he got struck on the pad, plum, first ball, wasn’t given out, went for a quick single and ran himself out…what a tit!
At this stage I would like to give special mention to Little Billy Payton, who secured a duck himself, last Saturday, bringing his season’s total to five…yes, you read it right, five! I think it’s safe to say that the wig wearer is favourite to be the first recipient of The Jer Lane Duck Award. Congratulations in advance Bill, from all your friends at Clayton CC.
Back to our award, and it’s all still to play for, with four games remaining for the firsts and three for the seconds. Below is the updated list @ last weekend…
John Hartley – 3
John Jonas – 3
Tim Evans – 3
Jason Taylor – 3
Jake Thwaite - 3
Jonathan Green - 2
Sam Wilson - 2
Paul Ascough – 2
Andy Sutcliffe – 2
Jed Illingworth – 2
Martin Hodgson – 1
Ben Raywood – 1
Howard Stead – 1
Matthew Connell – 1
Amjad Ali – 1
Tony Coulwill – 1
Danny Roddis – 1
Andy Windle - 1
PLAYER PROFILES
This week it’s the turn of a couple of young spunkers…Smiler and Big Knickers…
Name – Damian Walker
Favourite nickname – Smiler…although I’ve not had much to smile about over the last few years…love life, money, spots, the axe etc.etc. Things are on the up though…great girlfriend, sorting me dosh out…still spotty and crap at cricket though, but you can’t have everything!
Favourite band – D-Ream…Aceeeed…I used to trance out to those boys, whilst under the influence…if you get my drift!!
Favourite film – nothing too deep…I mean Donnie Darko…what’s all that about? It’s got to be Home Alone, for me
Football team supported – BCFC…but if they carry on as they are, I’m gonna become a
Sporting hero – Craig White…I took his lead and changed from a slow to pace bowler. Some would say I should take his lead again and retire!
Bad habit – Christ, I’ve got hundreds…probably gambling…I don’ t learn though…take my recent football bet for instance…a £20 treble on Burnley getting relegated, BCFC getting promoted and Chester to get promoted also. Unbeknown to me
Weakness – I’m very easily lead, and it’s got me into bother on numerous occasions. Say no more!
Strength – I’m a good team player…a powerhouse you would want in the trenches!
Hobbies / interests – this may sound a little strange, but I do a bit of chiropody in my spare time. I want to follow in my mum’s footsteps and take it up on a permanent basis, but until then I’ve been practising on friends and family. I do draw the line though when it comes to going anywhere Doctor Cricket’s plates of meat!!
Embarrassing moment – no, I will not furnish you with details of the shower room incident!
Guilty pleasure – chocolate ( I’m a diabetic )
Name – Nick Bickers
Favourite nickname – Usain
Favourite band – S Club Juniors…right up my street
Favourite film – Toy Story…I love Buzz Lightyear, I do…to infinity and beyond!
Football team supported – Liverpool FC…the best team in
Sporting hero – Tom Daley…a child genius, showing a lack of years is no barrier to success. Just watch me go daddy-oh
Bad habit – smoking…twenty a day…ha-ha, only joking Mummy! Wan…ha-ha…joking again Mummy! I pick my nose and eat it….er…I’m not joking Mummy!
Weakness – due to my age, I’m still a bit naïve and gullible. Only last week Les told me to get some tartan paint out of the garage. Needless to say, I couldn’t find any
Strength – my size fourteen feet…I never fall over. It’s brilliant
Hobbies / interests – collect footy stickers
Embarrassing moment – being labelled “ Wendy’s Love Child “ My head’s not even half the size of his…and I’m not ginger
Guilty pleasure – I’m too young to like the opposite sex
Note to Einstein…I mean Smiler…I’m not quite sure you’ve got the gist of the guilty pleasure thing??
ASHES TO ASHES
Well, here we are, the final countdown, to what has been a good ashes series. Not in the same league as 2005, but intriguing all the same.
The
Onions will be dropped, and should feel a tad unlucky, and I for one am keeping my fingers crossed that regular pie throwers Anderson, Harmison and Broad put the ball in the right place and fire it in the right direction!
The scum…sorry the Aussies, may bring either Lee or Hauritz back, in what will be the only change.
The toss is all important, and the winner will, I’m sure, bat first.
I can’t quite work out if my heart is ruling my head, but I genuinely feel
Next week I will summarise the whole series and give to or expect from Doctor Cricket, a grovelling apology, depending on the result!!
TALKING POINT
Got chatting with Winny this week, and he said if we ever needed a new Director of Cricket, Dean Richards was available! This got us both thinking about who could be on the new Clayton CC committee, who have a background of cheating…here is our list…
President – The ghost of Hansie Cronje
Chairman – Maradona
Director of Cricket – Dean Richards
Secretary – Marion Jones
Treasurer – Nick Leeson
Committee member – Dwain Chambers
Committee member – Mike Atherton
Committee member – Ben Johnson
Committee member – Justin Gatlin
Committee member – Christian Ronaldo
Committee member – Milli Vanilli ( the one that didn’t top himself! )
Committee member – Caster Semenya ( awaiting verification…gender verification )
Talking of gender verification…there’s one or two in our club that need sorting…mentioning no names!!
BILL AND DILL
“ Right Dilley…I think you and me have a future in the entertainment industry. You playing the straight man to my comedy genius, and Bob’s yer uncle, we’ll be the next Cannon and Ball “
“ Gan an then man…ger on with it “
“ Guy walks into the doctor’s surgery…I’ve been feeling like a pair of curtains!
The doctor replies…oh, just pull yourself together “
“ That was crap, like man “
“ Dill, your just meant to laugh, even though it’s not funny…that’s the whole point of being a straight man! “
“ Bollocks man, I’m off for a pint “
“ Stepney…Stepney…come back “
NEIGHBOURHOOD WATCH
Time to pay a visit to Shelf…for the last time this season…it’s been a good season for both teams, without them ever actually challenging for honours.
The first team presently lay in fifth spot, with 106 points. The batsmen have all chipped in but none really going onto to score big or consistently. The same can’t be said about the bowling where Dave Maloney, Jack Wilson and young Ramsden have all taken wickets on a regular basis.
The seconds have had more success and are third at the moment eleven points behind ourselves on 109, but with games running out quickly. The Boardalls have been the mainstay of the team, with both bat and ball and Lee Butterfield has helped himself to a couple of tons.
With a couple of new signings next season, I’m sure both teams can challenge for promotion.
TODGER OF THE WEEK ( sponsored by Tim Evans )
An easy one this week…Geoff Miller, Chairman of Selectors! Win or lose the ashes, the gimp has to go. Smug, arrogant, self-centred and stacked full of his own self importance…the tool couldn’t even pick his own arse!
ANY OTHER BUSINESS
Birthday congrats to Sutters, who turned 40 on the 2nd August 2009, without telling anybody!!!
Last Sunday, the Cancer Research Fun Day took place at The Avenue, and it was a resounding success.
Over £1100 pounds was raised for Cancer Research, with the club taking over £700.
Thanks must go to everybody involved.
Much hilarity ensued, in the Fleece following the fun day, with Mawse and Bucket throwing their handbags about, until Walter stepped in to ensure nobody was slapped to death!
Good effort lads!
I couldn’t let the opportunity pass to gloat about a certain football result from Wednesday night ( my birthday ) Burnley 1
To all you Salford Reds ( Selby, Staylor, Ian Ormous, Knackers, Linds, Coley, Robin Sils, Mitzy ) out there…chins up!
Note to Jedrick…I hope you enjoyed the result as much as I did?
Good luck to both teams this weekend, with the firsts travelling to
Edition 13
CLAYTON CRICKET CLUB – WEEKLY NEWSLETTER EDITION THIRTEEN
W/E.15.08.09
PREVIEW FROM THE WEEKEND
After the inactivity of last weekend, it was good to get in two games of cricket. The firsts made the short journey across the clough to Denholme. The hosts batted first and amassed 141-5 in their forty five overs. It was a very strange innings with the opener carrying his bat for 55no and no one batter ever trying to move the score on at all. Their skipper seemed quite happy with his lot and the two batting points gained. The spin twins both bagged two wickets apiece.
The target was never a serious issue, although five wickets were lost and it took thirty four overs! Amstrad got the job done in fine style finishing on 47no.
With only five wickets taken and a meagre total of 142 to chase, seven points was the sum total of points gained for the afternoon’s graft. Unfortunately Stones obtained the full ten and move level with our good selves at the summit, although we do have a game in hand.
Hodgey’s Heroes took on third placed Sowerby St.Peters, in a real promotion tussle. The visitors batted first and were in serious trouble at twenty odd for four, but rallied to make a competitive 177-8. Potter, Frank Sidebottom Jnr and Smiler ( yes, Smiler ) took all eight wickets between them.
As it turned out, 178 proved no match for our prolific top four, and they even managed to sneak an extra point by winning the game with a six, whilst on 177. The run machine that we all know as Rhino Arse, helped himself to another match winning red inker, finishing on 69 ( apologies for any sexual connotations ) with his old opening partner Cartman, there at the end on 58no.
The boys are really putting together a fantastic run, at the right time, and have muscled themselves into a promotion place, with four games remaining.
Happy days!
DUCK CLUB 2009
Look, this is starting to get right on my tits…another week shy of blodgers. For Christ sakes lads, help me out here and give me something to get excited about!
All to play for, with the leader board shaping up as follows…
John Hartley – 3
John Jonas – 3
Tim Evans – 3
Jason Taylor – 3
Jake Thwaite - 3
Jonathan Green - 2
Sam Wilson - 2
Paul Ascough – 2
Andy Sutcliffe – 2
Jed Illingworth – 2
Martin Hodgson – 1
Ben Raywood – 1
Howard Stead – 1
Matthew Connell – 1
Amjad Ali – 1
Tony Coulwill – 1
Danny Roddis - 1
PLAYER PROFILES
A couple of bald blokes feel the full force of the profiler, this week…Wightman and Sutcliffe…
Name – oh, what is it again…ah, yes…Alan Wightman
Favourite nickname – Al Zheimer
Favourite band – I’m a child of the glam rock era, so it’s Slade for me. I used to have hair like Dave Hill…I looked a right twat!
Favourite film – please don’t think bad of me…I know it’s a bit porno, but it just does it for me…Carry on up the Khyber
Football team supported – West Ham United…never seen them play, never even been to
Sporting hero – West Ham legend…Marco Boogers!????
Bad habit – just can’t sit still and always want to be on the go…unfortunately when it’s time for rudies, I’m always too knackered!
Weakness – a tad forgetful…hence the nickname
Strength – DIY genius…I can make something out of anything. Give me a piece of “three be two” and I’ll knock out a new pavilion in a matter of minutes
Hobbies / interests – darts…got photos of Hodgey on me dart board at home…bastard finished me career, just when I was hitting me peak.
Embarrassing moment – when I keeled over in The Bull, after a game, a few years ago. Staylor attempted to break my fall, but only succeeded in dropping me. No change there then!
Guilty pleasure – as everybody knows, Aundre is my one and only lover and I have no interest in any other woman…Bianca ( Eastenders )
Name – Andy Sutcliffe
Favourite nickname – The Silent Assassin
Favourite band – Motorhead…bit of a rocker at heart, although head banging’s not quite the same when all your hair’s on your back!
Favourite film – The Postman Always Rings Twice
Football team supported –
Sporting hero – fellow short arse Rob Burrow, who has overcome his lack of height to become one of the best in his field…an inspiration!
Bad habit – I’m a serial hoarder…you should see the piles of post I’ve got stacked in me garage…it goes back years
Weakness – got a psychotic side to me…all Sutcliffe’s are a bit unhinged. They say the quiet ones are the worst…” wife…just pass me the hammer please “
Strength – nerves of steel…you have to have, being a postie. I’m constantly being savaged by canines, spat on by rugrats and punched by disgruntled husbands ( if you get my drift…nudge nudge wink wink )
Hobbies / interests – voice over work for Mute TV
Embarrassing moment – being mistaken for Danny DeVito
Guilty pleasure – Postman Pat
ASHES TO ASHES
Hell fire and damnation…what a time to put in a performance like that. A win and the Ashes were ours, but no, a resounding tanking and now the opposition hold the upper hand.
The two teams were more or less as expected, although
Where to start…winning the toss and batting at Headingley, is probably a good a place as any to start. 102 all out…dire. Not one positive to be taken from that particular batting performance. At least England had the opportunity to regain some pride and restore parity…unfortunately the bowlers seemed to be in the same frame of mind as the batsmen, threw done some right old shit, and got twatted to all parts. 440 runs later and the game was as good as over…and it was the following day, with England’s top and middle order capitulating once again, resulting in an innings defeat.
The top and bottom of it was that
Shane Watson has proved himself to be a good player, and has helped himself to three fifties in three innings, and has given the top order a more solid feel.
Selecting Stuart Clark turned out to be a master stroke, and with Hilfenhaus continuing his good form and Johnson finally finding some form, the bowling line up looked far more potent.
With regards to the final test, the only change the Aussies may make, is to bring back Hauritz, with Siddle being the only option to drop, even after bagging a first innings five for!
Now the fun starts…selecting a team to bring back home The Ashes!!
Even though we took a fearful hammering, last time out, and the confidence may have been knocked somewhat, I still feel we will win the final test, thus regaining the famous urn. There has been a lot of crap written in the papers since the weekend, regarding the recall of Trescothick and Ramprakash. Both would, I’m sure, do a fine job and I appreciate it is a total one off game, but come on, it isn’t going to happen. The last thing we need to give off is an air of desperation!
It’s obvious changes have to be made, but knowing our selection committee, they won’t want to show the country that they may have ballsed up previously, and will probably just switch the batting order around a bit, so it looks like the personnel has been changed.
For me,
TALKING POINT
I thought this week I would talk about…the Clayton CC Slug Award. I have nothing to do with picking the recipient of this much heralded award but I think the time has come to assess the field!
Potential winners have bit the dust, make picking a winner so much more difficult…Selby ( fat and injured ) My good self ( fat, injured and retired ) Coley ( rested/dropped ) and Tops ( fat and retired )
I’ve watched a few games and below are listed the runners and riders, as I see it, in no particular order…
Connell
BILL
Hmmm…the double act thing seems to have bit the dust…who the hell else can I team up with? Fu** me…of course…who else be me best mucker Dilley! Bill and Dill…it’s got a right ring to it.
NEIGHBOURHOOD WATCH
Under scrutiny this weekend are Denholme Clough…the perennial basement dwellers are making a fine effort on the field, this season. The first team have two wins under their belt, and currently reside second bottom, with 55 points.
Looking at the way they batted against us last week, they are scrapping for every point possible, so not to have to again apply for re-election. Augustinians, Stainland and Luddendenfoot will be pushing them all the way.
The seconds are also second bottom, with 69 points, from three wins. There is no chance of them finishing bottom as Augustinians are a country mile adrift!
After visiting their ground last week, it is obvious a lot of time and effort has gone into making the club a success off the field, and I think this is slowly improving their on field performance.
I think it’s a cracking little club, and good luck to them for the future.
TODGER OF THE WEEK ( sponsored by Tim Evans )
Quel surprise…this week’s lucky recipient is an Australian! The one and only Justin Langer!
I’ve no problems with him giving a dossier to Tim Nielsen, highlighting the fragilities of
I have this sneaky feeling that it may backfire and maybe, just maybe the
ANY OTHER BUSINESS
On Sunday, the 16th August 2009, the cricket club is playing host to The Cancer Research Fun Day, organised by Boyd and Wendy Midgley.
The frivolities commence at 12.30.
Players past and present are following in the footsteps of Mr and Mrs Connell. Little Billy Parton…oops, sorry, Payton and the wonderful Elaine are tying the knot on Friday the 9th October 2009.
The lovely Ange, has finally relented, and agreed to become Mrs Galley, on Friday the 13th November 2009.
Congratulations to the four of them.
Winny downloaded the photos from Matthew and
There are one or two corkers on there, with Wendy and Big Vern playing a starring role!
This weekend heralds the start of the Premiership football season…
Good luck to the boys for what will be a tough campaign.
This weekend, the firsts host Outlane, in their continuing quest for promotion, with the seconds travelling to Booth, in what should be a cracking top of the table tussle.
Good luck to both teams.
Joanne Drapier has announced her intention to resign from her role as club Child Welfare Officer ( I think that’s the correct title ) at the end of the season, due to her moving “ up north.“
I’m sure you’ll all join me in thanking her for the time and effort she has given the club over the last few years, and wishing her all the best for the future.
Finally…a request…please arrange another club meeting as soon as poss…it was pure farce!
Edition 12
CLAYTON CRICKET CLUB – WEEKLY NEWSLETTER EDITION TWELVE
W/E.01.08.09
PREVIEW FROM THE WEEKEND
With the first team having a free weekend and the seconds, unlike Magnus Magnusson, starting but not finishing, there is jack shit to preview this week!
The weather fell into the first team’s hands, and they remain top of the pile, three points clear of Stones, with a game in hand.
The seconds are still handily placed in second, nineteen points behind leaders Booth.
DUCK CLUB 2009
Due to last weekend’s inactivity, there was no movement in the race for the club’s most sought after award. I have been in contact with my source at Ladbrokes, and the betting latest is as follows…
2-1 Corbett
5-2 Jam Tarts
3-1 Todge
7-2 Knackers
7-2 Postman Pat
4-1 Jedrick
5-1 Sid Spl…Hodgey
11-2 bar
Here’s the state of play as at last weekend…
John Hartley – 3
John Jonas – 3
Tim Evans – 3
Jason Taylor – 3
Jake Thwaite - 3
Jonathan Green - 2
Sam Wilson - 2
Paul Ascough – 2
Andy Sutcliffe – 2
Jed Illingworth – 2
Martin Hodgson – 1
Ben Raywood – 1
Howard Stead – 1
Matthew Connell – 1
Amjad Ali – 1
Tony Coulwill – 1
Danny Roddis - 1
PLAYER PROFILES
This week’s profilees are club fatties Elphee and Harts…
Name – Steve Elphee
Favourite nickname – Elphee
Favourite band – don’t like music
Favourite film – don’t like films
Football team supported – don’t like football
Sporting hero – don’t have a sporting hero
Bad habit – don’t have any bad habits
Weakness – don’t have any weaknesses
Strength – don’t have any strengths
Hobbies / interests – don’t have any hobbies
Embarrassing moment – never been embarrassed
Guilty pleasure –
Name – John Hartley
Favourite nickname – Jam Tarts
Favourite band – even though I’m in my mid thirties, I’m still out there with the kids and with that in mind, my fave act is Kanye West. I really liked his hit single Gravedigger!!
Favourite film – my son Harry calls me it, and I love all the films…Superman. “ Sorry Helen, what did you say?” “ He calls me Supergran…well that’s just brilliant…tell him he’s grounded…till he’s twenty one!”
Football team supported – Hearts
Sporting hero – Bob Nudd…the Pele of the fishing world
Bad habit – I constantly leave boxes of maggots lying round the house, after I’ve been fishing. Don’t think Helen was too impressed when she put pre-grated parmesan on her Bolognese, only to find that the parmesan moved on it’s own and looked rather maggoty!
Weakness – I lack concentra…sorry, what was the question again…oh yes, Bob Nudd
Strength – general knowledge…go on, ask me a question, any question? “ What is the capital of
Hobbies / interests – fishing, with my great mate Kid Charisma…only last week I hooked a perch…and the cage, the budgie’s mirror and it’s swing
Embarrassing moment – when captaining the seconds, at Stones, in the cup this season, I had a brief moment of madness and threw the ball to Smiler, to sling down some scuds…he finished with figures of 3-0-108-0! We lost!
Guilty pleasure – easy…
Thanks for your input Elf…very insightful
ASHES TO ASHES
Well, it’s still all to play for with two tests remaining.
If you could merge
Their batting looks, for the majority of the time, solid and strong, with five of their top seven, securing centuries. Watson proved himself a more than able replacement for Hughes.
The same confidence cannot be bestowed upon the batting. Strauss is the only English batsman to reach three figures. Cook needs a big one, Bopara is just not up to it,
I would imagine the Aussies will keep much the same team, depending on the injury to Haddin.
From tests gone by, Headingley tends to produce a positive result, and I see no reason for this test to be any different…I just hope it falls in our favour!
TALKING POINT
I thought maybe it was time to talk about something other than cricket, for a change, even though this is a cricket based newsletter, so with the start of the football season on the horizon, I’m going to put my neck on the line and give you my tips for the top…and the bottom…
Premiership ( top )
Premiership ( bottom )
Championship ( top ) Newcastle United
Championship ( bottom ) Scunthorpe United
First division ( top ) Charlton Athletic
First division ( bottom ) Carlisle United
Second division ( top )
Second division ( bottom ) Burton Albion
Blue Square Premier ( top ) Oxford United
Blue Square Premier ( bottom )
Scottish Premier ( top ) Celtic
Scottish Premier ( bottom )
Burnley will finish second to
BILL AND BEN
“Now then Ben…here’s the deal…I tell jokes and you laugh! Simple!”
“Crack on then Bill”
“Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?”
“I don’t know Bill, why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?”
“Tequila”
“Hmm…I don’t geddit”
“Eh, why? Tequila…to kill her…Mexican man, Mexican drink, to kill her in a Mexican accent!”
“Still don’t geddit…anyway, fancy a pint?”
“Oh just fu** off”
NEIGHBOURHOOD WATCH
This week…
TODGER OF THE WEEK ( sponsored by Tim Evans )
Martin Moxon…making a right old tawse of it at
ANY OTHER BUSINESS
I am always very proud to see members of our great club make a name for themselves ( for all the right reasons ) and no more so than our club treasurer Simon Taylor, who is at present starring in the Compare the Market.com advertisements, with Simon hilarious as the lead meerkat, Alexander!
Good luck to both teams this weekend, with the first team making the short journey to Denholme and the seconds entertaining Sowerby St.Peters.
Edition 11
CLAYTON CRICKET CLUB – WEEKLY NEWSLETTER EDITION ELEVEN
W/E.01.08.09
Please accept my apologies for the absence of The Button Mushroom, last week…no excuses, just pure laziness on my part!
PREVIEW FROM THE WEEKEND(S)
The first teams trip/trek to Luddendenfoot, on the 18th July, proved in vain, as the rain fell at an inopportune moment, thus rendering the game abandoned, with a paltry two points the unjust reward!
The following weekend the boys made the short journey to the very homely
I’m sure the home side were relatively happy in containing CCC to 164-6, from their allotted forty five overs. Hadley, Sam and Gurdy all scored 30. They shouldn’t have…because they hadn’t taken into account Dino-Rod. He scudded through the top order and helped himself to 7-68 (bloody expensive though, bearing in mind the opposition were all out for 94!) Amstrad bagged the other three in quick style. A well deserved ten points, and taking into account the abandonment the week before, credit must go to the boys to still be top of the pile, five points clear on 124!!
Two weeks previous, the seconds played host to Bradshaw, in what would be the decider, with the head to head score being 1-1. Our boys batted first and scored a competitive 214-7, with Harts finding a bit of form in scoring 46 and Captain Marvel stroking his way to an impressive 79no. The total did indeed prove competitive…too competitive for the visitors, who were skittled for 164, with Winny, Bickers, Mitzy, Ian O and Mini Inzy all chipping in on the wicket front, helping the team to the full ten points.
Last weekend, another home tie for Hodgey’s Heroes, with Grotland paying us a visit. Hodgey’s Heroes were Hodgeyless due to him attending Ronan’s nuptials, so Cartman took on the captain’s duties. Grotland, a very threatening side with the willow in hand, batted first, and could only rack up a measly 129, due to some impressive bowling. Bickers finished with 4-12. Smiler and new boy Joanna bagged a couple each.
130 proved an easy target, with Sutters, safely back in the bosom of the seconds, and Joanna, braying it to all parts in finishing it in just seventeen overs!
The ten points gained took the seconds up to second place on 101 points.
DUCK CLUB 2009
Three games, one duck…just one bloody duck! A very disappointing return, with young Jakey being the unlucky recipient. He, unfortunately for him, joins the pack leaders on three!
Listed below is the full SP…
John Hartley – 3
John Jonas – 3
Tim Evans – 3
Jason Taylor – 3
Jake Thwaite - 3
Jonathan Green - 2
Sam Wilson - 2
Paul Ascough – 2
Andy Sutcliffe – 2
Jed Illingworth – 2
Martin Hodgson – 1
Ben Raywood – 1
Howard Stead – 1
Matthew Connell – 1
Amjad Ali – 1
Tony Coulwill – 1
Danny Roddis - 1
PLAYER PROFILES
A bit of a mixed bunch this week…both old and new…
Name – Amjad Ali
Favourite nickname –
Favourite band – Motorhead…surprised eh?
Favourite film – Schindler’s List…surprised eh?
Football team supported – football’s a no-go for me…cricket and kabaddi are my thang
Sporting hero – Imran Khan…a truly fantastic cricketer. As a politician, not so good…Imran Khant, in fact!
Bad habit – love watching the Jeremy Kyle show…last week’s show was a belter, with Bucket talking about his squirty quick problem!
Weakness – shyness…don’t say much, unless I’m high on coke…err coca cola…don’t drink, you see. The sugar sends me loopy
Strength – hung like a bloody bison
Hobbies / interests – ball room dancing…I want to dance at Alexandra Palace…Amjad Ali at Alexandra Pali. Nice ring to it eh?
Embarrassing moment – whilst using Todge’s house for rustling up a huge vat of lamb bhuna for a cricket club fundraiser, I inadvertently mistook Tim’s stash for chopped coriander!
Guilty pleasure – Rusty Lee…great bangers
Name – Graham Stevens
Favourite nickname – Cheesy…haven’t got a Scooby why! Definitely not penis based!
Favourite band – Il Devo…a touch of class
Favourite film – I’m a man of culture and class, so I’d have to say Rita, Sue and Bob too
Football team supported – not into football…I’m a bit posh and prefer rugby union, rowing and fencing
Sporting hero – Sir Matthew Pinsent…a true gent, a top athlete and he talks nice
Bad habit – got a bit of a temper on me…always have had. It once got me expelled from school…didn’t go down too well, as I was teaching there at the time
Weakness – Italian shoes…even my cricket boots were made by Gucci
Strength – I’ve got presence…people listen to me, people look at me in awe, people rate and respect me! Will I what? Put the shutters up and lock the lavs…like fu** i will…peasant!
Hobbies / interests – backgammon…with the hoi polloi…that’s how I like to roll
Embarrassing moment – the title of Director of Cricket
Guilty pleasure – Camilla Parker Bowles…proper posh totty
Name – Danny Roddis
Favourite nickname – the name’s Barlow…Deidre Barlow
Favourite band – The Proclaimers…and it’s got jack all to do with the specs
Favourite film – Confessions of a Crap DJ
Football team supported – Ipswich Town…I don’t why?
Sporting hero – Trotter legend Romeo Zondervan…great name, top perm
Bad habit – constantly try to smoke me own pipe
Weakness – my eyes…why do you think I wear those ghastly jar bottomed gigs. Having said that, I’m a right ugly bastard without em
Strength – tolerance…I mean who else would put up with Corbett, the way I do?
Hobbies / interests – philately…stamp collecting, to the uneducated! I like franking machines as well…although they do tend to get me into bother, hence why I stick to stamps
Embarrassing moment – punctured a lung whilst trying to smoke me own pipe
Guilty pleasure – Deidre Barlow
Name – Stephen Booth
Favourite nickname – Grey Head…for fairly obvious reasons!
Favourite band – it’s well documented that I like a bit of Helen Shapiro, but Slipknot are my ultimate faves
Favourite film – Blue
Football team supported – The Blue
Sporting hero – David Steele…lookalike and an equally boring batsman
Bad habit – a tendency to talk absolute bollocks, even in my sleep
Weakness – my inability to be interesting
Strength – my ability to bore
Hobbies / interests – visiting the local liberal club, with my fellow members of the Clayton Six. You can’t beat a game of fives and threes!
Embarrassing moment – collapsing at the wicket many years ago…Gill Boy thought I’d croaked it, when in fact I’d just nodded off, bored shitless watching Cabbage bat!
Guilty pleasure – Miss Marple…sex on legs!
ASHES TO ASHES
Two down three to go and
I thought Strauss, Cook and Prior batted well with the tail wagging yet again. Freddie bowled superbly second innings, with good support from Swanny.
The aforementioned Clarke and Haddin were the pick of the Australian batsmen, with Hilfenhaus and yet again Hauritz looking the most potent with ball in hand.
The third test begins on the 30th at Edgbaston, and weather permitting; I’m sure a result other than a draw will prevail.
I would imagine
Australia have problems of their own…on the batting front Hughes has struggled, Katich has played one good innings, Hussey’s still not firing and North’s not up to it. Bowling wise Johnson’s been crap. I think maybe Shane Watson may come in, but I don’t think they’ve got the bollocks to drop Johnson. Their selection will be most interesting!
My money’s on
TALKING POINT
I thought it was about time we spoke about the trials and tribulations of Yorkshire CC.
The team hasn’t won a county championship game in twenty outings, and currently lay second bottom with 80 points from nine games, and find themselves in a relegation dog fight already.
They have won one and lost one, in the Pro 40 league, so far, and finished third in failing to qualify for the last eight of the Friends Provident Trophy.
Finally, they finished fifth out of six, in also failing to qualify for the final stages of the 20/20 cup.
All in all…rather piss poor!
I thought Martyn Moxon returning from Durham, would be the catalyst for great things, but unfortunately that hasn’t been the case, and the club seems to be heading in the opposite direction.
The batting has been poor…Rudolph, Gale and more recently Bairstow apart. McGrath’s form has dipped since taking over the captaincy, and Sayers and Lyth are just not good enough. Brophy is a decent bat, but is constantly injured and as good a keeper as Guy, his replacement early doors, is, he is no batter.
The bowling has been nothing more than average…Hoggard, Bresnan, Shahzad, Rashid and Rafiq have taken wickets at regular intervals and the latter four have all scored useful runs.
Kruis and Naved have flattered to deceive, and are probably in their last season with the club. Pyrah, Patterson and Wainwright are not up to the job.
I feel it is time for Moxon to move on and next season the team should be built around Rudolph (if he returns, as his Kolpak contract finishes this term) Gale, Bairstow, Bresnan, Rashid and Rafiq, with two or three new signings coming to the club.
Rumour has it Hoggy and Shahzad maybe signing for Worcestershire, but if not, they should also be part of the scenery…
And to run the show…Michael Vaughan of course.
BILL AND
Bill’s on his mobile…
“ err
“ why? ”
“ cos our double act is going to shit, and I’m missing you ”
“ got another two weeks in the sun yet ”
“ are you still mad at me? “
“ course not…played all season, then axed from the semi-final…why would I be mad at you “
“ why did the Mexican throw his wife off a cliff? Bell…
“ Elain...I think me and
NEIGHBOURHOOD WATCH
Time to return to our good buddies up the hill, and update you all on the fortunes of the Jer Laners…
The first team have continued their good form and currently lay in fourth place only eighteen points behind top spot. A fantastic achievement, so far.
Billy’s Boys haven’t fared as well over the last few weeks, but are still pushing in fifth place.
It wouldn’t be fair to pick out individuals, but it’s safe to say that both teams have some bloody good players. Sorry, what did you say…do I include Billy in that last statement…err, well…moving on…
Both teams reached the semi-finals of their respective cup competitions, before both bowing out.
They reached the finals day of the league 20/20 competition, and they ultimately won through to the actual final, which due to the weather intervening, will not be played until the Bank Holiday weekend, where they will play local rivals Thornton, in what should be a feisty affair. Congratulations and good luck to both teams.
Talking of the 20/20 finals, I must take the opportunity to compliment the Jer Boys, on their kit for the day…red and blue, with their names on the back…resplendent…although the white pads spoilt the look somewhat.
Joking apart, good luck to the Laners, for the remainder of the season.
TODGER OF THE FORTNIGHT ( sponsored by Tim Evans )
It gives me great pleasure in announcing the todger of the fortnight is Australian! The decision was an easy one to make, as this person has, over the course of the last month, mastered the art of throwing down growlers, on a regular basis, resulting in the ball being thraped to all parts…it can only be the one and only Mitchell Johnson – Pie Thrower Extraordinaire.
ANY OTHER BUSINESS
The date for the U15 final, is the 31st August 2009 (Bank Holiday Monday) and will be played at Copley (I think)
I would like to welcome two new players to the club…I haven’t met either, so can’t say too much…Stuart Ough and Derek Lumbley. They have both played for the second team and both made significant contributions…long may it continue.
Even though Little Billy Payton has returned to Jer, the Evening Courier still manages to get his name wrong…this week he was down as B.Parton!!
I note also that he bagged a blodger…another blodger…his fourth blodger of the season in fact!
Time to join me in the retirement home Bill?!
On the 18th July 2009, the cricket club hosted an evening in honour of the birthday boys Wilson (30th) and Robertshaw (40th) (oh, and to raise a bit of cash for the club) It was another top night and a real money spinner and both Sam and Jez seemed to enjoy it.
The main talking point of the evening, was the identity of the two shadowy figures sat on the bench at the top end of the field, smoking! The mystery was solved the following day, when the words Todge 4 Hodge surrounded by a heart shape, were found inscribed on the said bench. How sweet!
The firsts have a free weekend this weekend, whilst the seconds make the lengthy journey to Outlane, in search of another ten points.
Edition 10
CLAYTON CRICKET CLUB – WEEKLY NEWSLETTER EDITION TEN
W/E.18.07.09
PREVIEW FROM THE WEEKEND
Thankfully the forecasted weather didn’t turn up, enabling both sides to clinch ten points.
Ash’s Aces took on fellow promotion hopefuls
After Hadley was dubiously given out LBW, early doors, Howzer and Gall batted confidently and built a solid base for a comfortable win ( 53 and 33 respectively ) The opposition were giving it plenty and suddenly the wickets started to tumble, but The Bhuna Brothers came to the rescue, both bagging thirty odds, leaving Blurty to claim the win by hoying a six over the slip cordon.
Another close one, but another ten points in the bag, putting us five points clear of Stones, who inexplicably lost to Augustinians, and twenty two points ahead of
Long may the run continue!
Hodgey’s Heroes encountered Shelf, for the third time this season, looking to avenge the humiliating defeat of three weeks ago…and avenge the defeat is just what they did. They had the pleasure of batting first, and scored 210, with Winny, Ledg and new boy Stewy Ooey all making telling contributions.
Shelf gave it their all, but came up fourteen runs short, with Winny and Sweaty jnr being the pick of the bowlers, both picking up three wickets.
The division, Low Moor apart, remains wide open, with just fourteen points covering the top seven teams. Clayton leapt up to a season’s best fourth, nine behind the leaders, with all to play for.
My source in the second team, informs me that he heard something on Saturday afternoon, that he had never witnessed before…the words “ well fielded Selby. “ Maybe not a chip off the old block after all??
DUCK CLUB 2009
The race for the prestigious award continues at a pace, with a hat-trick of donalds being purloined last weekend…the lucky recipients being Potter, with a first baller, and the two JT’S from the seconds…Taylor and Thwaite. Ian Ormous has joined the leaders on three, whilst young Jakey has joined a very select band on two.
Long may this fascinating tussle continue, possibly culminating with a new name on the trophy…
Read on and weep…
John Hartley – 3
John Jonas – 3
Tim Evans – 3
Jason Taylor - 3
Jonathan Green - 2
Sam Wilson - 2
Paul Ascough – 2
Andy Sutcliffe – 2
Jed Illingworth – 2
Jake Thwaite – 2
Martin Hodgson – 1
Ben Raywood – 1
Howard Stead – 1
Matthew Connell – 1
Amjad Ali – 1
Tony Coulwill – 1
Danny Roddis - 1
PLAYER PROFILES
Two right numpties are under the cosh…er i mean spotlight, this week…Wendy and Todge…
Name – Ian Priestley
Favourite nickname – Gary Gout
Favourite band – The Village People…i love all that dressing up, camp dancing and gay disco
Favourite film – Four go to
Football team supported –
Sporting hero – Matthew Connell…a class batsman, decent bowler, crap fielder and a bit of a looker
Bad habit – stalking Matthew Connell
Weakness – susceptible to the odd dose of gout…although when me middle digit swells, it seem to become very popular with the ladies!?
Strength – the ability to consume vast amounts of alcohol, storing it in me huge napper
Hobbies / interests – stalking Matthew Connell
Embarrassing moment – receiving an injunction from Mrs Connell, to not come within a square mile of her, her husband or her house
Guilty pleasure – Christopher Biggins
Name – Tim Evans
Favourite nickname – Captain Beaky
Favourite band – The Smurfs
Favourite film – Dumb and Dumber…it’s sort of like me and Smiler!
Football team supported –
Sporting hero – Phil Thompson…who else??
Bad habit – maste, er smoking dop, er i bite me finger nails
Weakness – easy…a lack of common sense. I’m not the brightest!
Strength – hmm…tough one…can i get back to you on that one?
Hobbies / interests – nose jousting…against the likes of Thommo, Gerard Depardieu, Ian Rush and Pinnochio
Embarrassing moment – christ, that’s a another tough one, there’s been so many…probably the time, whilst picking my nose, i inadvertently got the whole of my fist stuck up there!
Guilty pleasure – it’s a tad embarrassing, as she’s knocking on a bit, so i’ll give you her name in anagram form…Polly Darton
ASHES TO ASHES
Well, there’s plenty to discuss and mull over, after the first test and prior to the second. The Doctor and i have gone head to head, with the big guy going in favour of the aussies. I think it’s safe to say that DC came out on top, after the
The majority of us will have witnessed the trials and tribulations of the first test, and i’m sure 99% of us will admit that
Winning the toss and scoring 435, even on a dead wicket, looked like being a very competitive total, bearing in mind the visitors would have to bat last on a wicket sure to take spin! Jesus Christ…the Aussies made batting look easy, with four of the oily dogs scoring a century, on their way to scoring 650 plus. The rest is obviously history, as
My observations are as follows, which i’m sure will cause debate…Pietersen, Collingwood, Prior, Freddie and Swanny all batted well first innings, without going on to score the big one. Siddle and Hilfenhaus bowled surprisingly well, with Hauritz offering good backup! Johnson was average, to say the least.
The Aussies batted fantastic, although the pitch just nullified anything our bowlers had to offer. Freddie gave his all, Anderson and Broad were innocuous and the two spinners didn’t spin it.
Then came the interesting bit…England having to bat four sessions to save the game…something we don’t do particularly well, and at 70-5, it was looking rather grim! Step forward Paul Collingwood…who batted nigh on seven hours for 74! A quite stunning knock of concentration coupled with real bollocks. Swanny chipped in again, but it was Monty and Burnley Bill who batted through eleven overs to gain the draw, showing great determination under immense pressure.
Ponting was understandably distraught at the game’s end, but the look on his face when
It’s early days, but Cook and Bopara have to come to the party, with the bat, with the bowlers doing the same, hopefully aided by the location. Harmison should come in for Monty.
TALKING POINT
I would like to take this opportunity to write about our great club.
Much has been said this season so far, about the appointment of Graham as Director of Cricket, team selection etc etc…as far as i see it Graham has come in to assist both captains, if and when needed, and also bring through the more capable juniors into playing senior cricket…for Clayton!!
With the latter in mind, selection at times is going to be difficult and tough decisions have to be made, not always to the satisfaction of everybody concerned, but for the good of the club in the long term, thus sometimes causing friction.
For me, the bottom line is as follows…
the first team are at the top of their division, with promotion a distinct possibility…
the seconds are slowly finding the consistency that should put them there or there abouts, by the season’s end…
four or five juniors have played and are playing second team cricket…for us…
the aforementioned juniors have enhanced the second team…
we are currently running four junior sides…
the club is making great strides in raising funds for a new “pavilion“…
the ground itself, always looks fantastic…
you couldn’t wish to play cricket or socialise with a better bunch of lads (or lassies)…
I think what i’m trying to say is that the club is in great hands, and is flourishing on and off the field, so lets enjoy it and be happy!
BILL AND
Unfortunately there will be no witty repartee from
NEIGHBOURHOOD WATCH
This week’s spotlight falls on Sunday School League giants Odsal Phoenix…the best team in Ods…er…Hirst Wood! Actually, i can’t be arsed.
TODGER OF THE WEEK ( sponsored by Tim Evans )
A first, as this week’s todger is appearing for the second time…it can only be the one and only Ricky Ponting…after his rant about
ANY OTHER BUSINESS
Two of our esteemed first teamers reached a certain age this week…Sam Wilson hit thirty and Jeremy Robertshaw joined the over thirty nine club.
Birthday wishes go out to them both.
Hearty congratulations go to our under-15’s, who defeated Northowram, to go through to the final of their respective cup competition. This is a fantastic achievement, and praise must go to all involved, both on the coaching and playing side.
Details of the time, date and venue of the final, will be announced in due course.
Last year, prior to the start of the football season, i put out a £5 bet to all takers, that the mighty Burnley FC, would gain promotion, even though they were second favourites for the drop. As most of you will know, Owen Coyle took the boys to the promised land, via the play offs, meaning much wonga heading in my direction…not!
Only three people had the bollocks to take the bet…Smiler, Billy and Stumpy, who actually offered me 10-1!
The new season is only four weeks away, so i would like, to once again, place a £5 bet with every god damn one of you, that Burnley FC do not finish in the bottom three (ie-do not get relegated) of The Premiership (2009/2010)
Come on you cowardly arsewipes…don’t let me down…show the courage of your conviction, and put your cash on the table!
Four to watch for The Open…Soren Hansen, Ross Fisher, Nick Watney and John Daly!!!
Good luck to both teams this weekend, with the firsts travelling to
Bumper edition 7 & 8
CLAYTON CRICKET CLUB – WEEKLY NEWSLETTER EDITIONS EIGHT AND NINE COMBINED
W/E.11.07.09
Due to my partner in crime “doing one “to the land of garlic, berets and Lourdes (not to be mistaken with Lords) for the week, I have rather impressively morphed two weeks editions into one! Here goes…
PREVIEW FROM THE WEEKENDS
On the 27th June 2009, the firsts made the short journey to Queensbury. Batting first they rattled up 287-6…the main contributors were Amstrad with 47, Ash with 47no and Hurdy Gurdy who cracked a quick fire, undefeated 55. The opposition went down with a fight, eventually losing their last wicket on 206. Sam finished with 5-49, with help from The Elf who bagged 4-57, ensuring Clayton took the full ten points.
The following weekend, a short journey ensued again, this time to Shelf, our long time rivals! Newly wed Tony Hadley made his return after his honeymoon and Deano faced his previous club for the first time since rejoining CCC, and took on the chin, the expected banter.
Again, batting first, the situation was looking decidedly iffy at 70ish-6. Hadley, looking remarkably fresh after his two and a half week shag fest, and Captain Fantastic, together racked up a ton plus partnership. Connell eventually departed for a classy 68, which brought Gurdy to the wicket, and both he and Ash brayed the ball to all parts, enabling the boys to total 264-8. Gurdy chipped in with 45, and Ash finished with a magnificent 113no. A sign of the strength of the first team at the moment is shown by the fact that guys of the calibre of Ash and Gurdy, batted at eight and nine!
Shelf never really got going and were quickly skittled for 146, with the wickets evenly shared. Another ten points gained.
The ninth ten pointer out of a possible eleven has elevated The Mighty Firsts to the summit of the division, with a very impressive 102 points.
Bradshaw were the visitors to The Avenue, on the 27th and batted first. After several dropped catches, they amassed a very competitive 299. Potter and Cartman were the pick of the bowlers, both picking up three wickets.
After a superb run chase, 300 proved nine runs too many. Galley batted with real style and collected his first ever ton, finishing with 122. Leesy ably assisted him, before being run out for 50.
A gallant effort and six points was just about just reward.
At home again, the weekend after, for a bottom of the league clash against Low Moor. The visitors had the pleasure of wielding the willow first, but a tasty opening three wicket burst from Mitzy set the tone for what turned out to be fine bowling performance from the lads, resulting in Low Moor being bowled out for 145, with Bickers leading the way with 4-32.
After losing two early wickets, Radar and Raywood saw the boys home, finishing with 80no and 51no respectively. Special mention to young Ben, who’s fifty, was his first for the club.
The ten points were much needed, and projected the seconds to the lofty position of third bottom, but surprisingly only eleven points behind leaders Booth!!
DUCK CLUB 2009
Since the last update, four games have taken place and five ducks bagged, with the first team providing four…Beaky, Amstrad, Jedrick and Postman Pat. Coley was the unfortunate victim from the seconds.
I must pass comment on Beaky’s…he was run out going for a second run, so in fact he should have been awarded a single, but Inzamam Jnr logged it down as a blodger! Unfortunate Tim, but tough…you’ve joined the leaders on three!
Please find the bang up to date list of duck baggers, below…
John Hartley – 3
John Jonas – 3
Tim Evans - 3
Jonathan Green - 2
Jason Taylor - 2
Sam Wilson - 2
Paul Ascough – 2
Andy Sutcliffe – 2
Jed Illingworth – 2
Martin Hodgson – 1
Jake Thwaite – 1
Ben Raywood – 1
Howard Stead – 1
Matthew Connell – 1
Amjad Ali – 1
Tony Coulwill – 1
PLAYER PROFILES
There are four musketeers being profiled this week…Iggy Pop, Bucket, Howzer and Toppo…a right mixed bunch of freaks…
Name – Sam Wilson
Favourite nickname – Knackers…love it, but absolutely no idea why I get called it? I mean, me gonads are only aniseed ball sized
Favourite band – it would be cool to say Kasabian or Led Zep, but in all honesty I like a bit of old fashioned pop – The Osmonds are me faves
Favourite film – The Kama Sutra…I realise it’s a tad conceited, but I like watching it just to see some of the moves and positions I gave to the world
Football team supported – who else but Manchester United. Who else is there to support round these parts? And before you ask, yes I have been to see them…they were on Sky, so I went to The Bull to watch them!
Sporting hero – my idol…the one and only David Beckham…an ex Salford Red, great tats and popular with the ladies (and men) Shame his wife’s such a dog!
Bad habit – dressing like a tramp
Weakness – pornography
Strength – my sexual prowess…I am an absolute sexgod…slop, slop, slop, slop-slop, slop, slop, slop
Hobbies / interests – getting ink done!
Embarrassing moment – had a tattoo done, on me arse cheek, of Danny Roddis…but it looks more like Deidre Barlow!!
Guilty pleasure – Amy Winehouse…ugly as sin, but the tats do it for me!
Name –
Favourite nickname – Shaky Hands Man
Favourite band –
Favourite film –
Football team supported – the mighty
Sporting hero – Martin Hodgson…top cricketer, top captain, top sha…I’ll leave it there thanks
Bad habit – masturbation…although it’s great fun with me shaky hands
Weakness – a tendency to eat curb, when inebriated
Strength – character…got to be really…all the abuse I cop
Hobbies / interests – running…it comes in useful actually…helps me when being chased by Celtic fans, Leeds fan, Bulls fans, Tiny, Burnley fans etc.etc.
Embarrassing moment – on attempting to pop my cherry, last Friday, I unfortunately shot me load early, ruining the moment somewhat
Guilty pleasure – Martin Hodgson (slept at mine last Friday)
Name – Howard Stead
Favourite nickname – Varicose Vince
Favourite band – Duran Duran…I’m an old romantic at heart...you what Gill? What do you mean I’m talking out of my arse? Oh, sorry…I meant new romantic
Favourite film – any films featuring Les Mawson...err…Les Dawson
Football team supported – Leeds, Leeds,
Sporting hero – me old man Michael…I’ve inherited his placid personality, his humour, his good looks and his cricketing ability. Not sure how I ended up with these bloody legs though?
Bad habit – forgetting I’m married!!
Weakness – my inability to control my temper, when being labelled a retard. Slim Jim from Wibsey Park Chapel’s got it coming
Strength – my ability to control my temper, under any circumstance…unless called a retard, or mistaken for my big brother Bob
Hobbies / interests – my cricketing career won’t last forever, so I’ve started taking golf lessons. I recently played around with Les…I also recently played around of golf with Les…nine holes at Shay Grange. I was encouraged by my performance and it gave me hope for the future…went round in 89!
Embarrassing moment – whilst playing for Windhill, I was fielding and the ball beat me to the boundary, and one of the spectators shouted “Jesus h Christ, who the hell’s idea was it to play Bob Stead?” Needless to say, his nose felt the full force of a Howzer Haymaker!
Guilty pleasure – Les Mawson
Name – Neil Topham
Favourite nickname – Lard Almighty
Favourite band – Reverend and the Makers
Favourite film – Nuns on the Run
Football team supported –
Sporting hero – George Foreman…a man who managed to combine a boxing career with being a preacher. His grill’s pretty impressive too
Bad habit – a tendency to preach to all and sundry about God Almighty, although if he doesn’t get the team promoted this season, me and Stu may have to a have a parting of the ways
Weakness –
Strength – stamina…needed in abundance for my fell walking and hill climbing activities…unfortunately though it’s decidedly lacking, when on the job!!
Hobbies / interests – I run the Clayton cricket u-17’s, local cub and scout groups, Clayton choir and am in the throes of setting up the Clayton Morris Dancing Troup. Please contact me if you’re interested…got Cuffy and Durm signed up already
Embarrassing moment – can’t reveal, won’t reveal…all I can say is that it involved me, the local vicar, the verger and the female organist!
Guilty pleasure – Whoopi Goldberg, in Sister Act. What I wouldn’t give to see what’s under her habit!
ASHES TO ASHES
I write this piece after the first two days of Ashes action…
I was surprised with the selection of Nathan Hauritz, rather than Stuart Clark, but other than that, both sides were as expected.
A good toss to win, a poor start, a good recovery, then losing Freddie and Prior within five overs of the close of play, probably gave the aussies the edge, but thanks to some fantastic batting from the tail, 435 was a good first innings total.
Young Hughes set off like a house on fire, but tried to take on Freddie, and got found out! Unfortunately that brought Ponting to the crease, and there he stayed for the remainder of the day…with Simon Katich for company! 249-1…great!
My initial observations are as follows…KP, Colly and Prior batted really well. Much has been, and will be said, over KP’s dismissal…I say just let him do his own thing. If you try and alter the way he bats, then you’re in danger of losing what he gives to the team. At the end of the day, he is without doubt one of the top five batsmen in world cricket today, playing the way he plays.
The tail wagged to great effect, although the pitch looks slow and placid, and at present offers very little to the bowler.
Siddle and Hilfenhaus bowled well, Johnson flattered to deceive and Hauritz somehow managed to bag three wickets!
Hughes attacked from the off, but his technique needs working on. Katich and Ponting both batted excellently, never looking in trouble, and as much as it galls me to say, both deserved their tons!
Freddie looks our main threat, with ball in hand, although doesn’t always get the number of wickets his bowling deserves.
At present,
I appreciate its early days, and it’s easy to pass comment and judgement once the game’s up and running, but Monty looks lost and low on confidence and in my opinion, shouldn’t have been selected. The selectors said that Michael Vaughan needed to score big runs to push for selection…has Ian Bell?? Has Monty taken boat loads of wickets??
Please find below my comments from edition five of The Mushroom, on the three hussies to bat so far…
Phillip Hughes young kid, first tour of
Simon Katich billy average and a stroppy little turd
Ricky Ponting (Capt.) one of
4/10 must do better!
TALKING POINT
I like to think I appreciate good cricket and good cricketers…but I absolutely detest it when
Whilst listening to Thursday’s play on the radio, Ian Chappell and Vic Marks both said they just wanted to see a great day’s play with great cricket from both sides! This from an Aussie and an Englishman watching the ashes! Am I wrong by saying I don’t want to see
Don’t let me down
BILL AND
Here
Go on then Bill; give it your best…if you must
Right, a guy goes into a pub with his pet crocodile, and asks for a pint for himself and a pint for his croc.
The barman looks shocked and surprised but acknowledges the request and supplies the beer.
Both the guy and the croc neck their pints down in one.
The guy asks for the same round again and again the barman obliges.
As before, the guy and the croc neck their pints down in one.
This happens another six times, until the guy stands up and walks towards the door. The crocodile attempts to do the same, but wobbles, staggers, then hits the deck.
The barman shouts to the dude…” you gonna leave that lying’ there “
The dude replies…” it’s not a lion, it’s a crocodile “
What do you think of that one then
Hilarious…just hilarious!
NEIGHBOURHOOD WATCH
This week it’s the turn of Low Moor, who, since joining The Halifax League, have proved a fine acquisition and are steadily moving through the divisions.
Both the first and second teams have experienced promotion and presently reside in the Roy Smith division. The firsts lay a very encouraging third with 78 points, whilst the seconds are having a tough season, and are currently bottom, with 50 points.
Richard Speight has taken over the captaincy of the firsts. The batting is strong with Carl Harrison, Andy Croasdale, new signing Nick Wood, Stokesy and Speighty himself, all consistently in the runs and with old dog Richie Barker still in the wickets, it’s no surprise to see them challenging for promotion to the “ premier league. “
Unfortunately, the second string are not having the same success. One or two of the old school don’t seem to be playing, but Graham Scarborough still is, and regularly contributes with both bat and ball. They seem to be blooding two or three young lads, which I’m sure, will benefit them in the years to come.
Good luck to all at the club for the remainder of the season.
TODGER OF THE WEEK (sponsored by Tim Evans)
Ricky Ponting…just for being Ricky Ponting. A truly great batsman, but a fully fledged gimp!
ANY OTHER BUSINESS
Two weeks ago, after the second team’s home game against Bradshaw, a “curry and bbq” night was organised, at the ground, as a bit of a fundraiser. As it turned out it was a lot of a fundraiser…over a hundred people attended and most were still there at midders, as closing time descended!
Many people deserve thanks and praise for their efforts, before, during and after…Les organised the event, and was responsible for inviting the majority of the bodies there. He also put in a solid stint behind “the bar” during the course of the evening. Doctor Cricket ably assisted him and Staylor was on hand all day to purchase beer and provisions.
Amstrad rustled up a fantastic curry, utilising Beaky’s kitchen, with Winnie getting the outside gig, running the barby.
Thanks to anybody involved who I’ve inadvertently forgotten and also to all who made the effort and drank the place dry.
I don’t have the total of monies raised, but it was well over a thousand pounds, which is a magnificent figure.
Good luck to
Weather permitting; the firsts entertain
Good luck to both teams.
Edition 7
CLAYTON CRICKET CLUB – WEEKLY NEWSLETTER EDITION SEVEN
W/E.27.06.09
PREVIEW FROM THE WEEKEND
I think it’s safe to say that a mixed weekend was had by all.
The firsts at home to Stainland, produced a fine bowling performance and had the opposition “ back in the hut “ with only 149 on the board. All four bowlers used, chipped in, with Iggy Pop being the pick, securing figures of 4-41. I left with the score on 120ish for 4, and was gobsmacked somewhat, to hear that the boys had scraped home with a one wicket win. I’m not sure if a post mortem took place, but hopefully the team were not too hard on themselves, as the full compliment of points were obtained, important, in light of the result at Stones, the previous weekend. Knackers was again at the fore, top scoring with 46. After a slow start, Knackers is really looking the part, and must be the best all rounder in the division…long may his form continue.
Onto the second’s away day at Shelf…not the best of days, as Shelf batted first, and racked up a useful 253-8, with Wilfred Bramble, at 67 years young, top scoring with a nigh on chanceless 101. As with the firsts, the wickets were evenly spread, with young Matty Celaire looking the part, finishing with 2-24. The total proved well out of reach, and Clayton were bowled out for 121, ending the game with three points only.
After the success of last season, going through the league undefeated, this season is proving more challenging than expected. The team is more than capable of stringing a few positive results together, and I’m sure it’s only a matter of time, before they do.
The first team sit in a very comfortable second place, with 82 points, one point behind the leaders. The seconds remain second bottom, with 55 points, in what is proving to be a very open division, where a couple of wins, can project you up the table, at a fair old rate of knots.
DUCK CLUB 2009
This season’s race for the prestigious award, at present, is turning out to be the closest, most exciting and enthralling battle yet, with a whole host of so called batsmen in the hunt for the crock of gold at the end of the rainbow!
A meagre total of just two ducks were bagged last weekend, but a very interesting two ducks they turned out to be…1st team head honcho failed to trouble the scorers, as did Radar, at Shelf. Ash moves effortlessly onto two, but the real interest lies with Corbett, who is now joint top of the pile, with Jam Tarts!!
I’ve discussed how the land lies with Ladbrokes, and they have installed Jonas as odds on favourite for the title, but still expect a charge from perennial duck bagger Sid Spliff.
All to play for with three months of the season still to go.
John Hartley – 3
John Jonas - 3
Jonathan Green - 2
Jason Taylor - 2
Tim Evans - 2
Sam Wilson - 2
Paul Ascough - 2
Martin Hodgson – 1
Jake Thwaite – 1
Ben Raywood – 1
Howard Stead – 1
Matthew Connell – 1
Andy Sutcliffe – 1
Jed Illingworth – 1
PLAYER PROFILES
This week it’s the turn of our resident sumo wrestlers…JT and Gurdy…
Name – Jason Taylor
Favourite nickname – Ian Ormous
Favourite band – despite my rather large frame, I’m a bit of a raver and like to throw some serious shapes out, especially to some old school Shamen…eez are good, eez are good, we’re Ebenezer good!!! Choon!
Favourite film – Nine and a half weeks…all that food and naked bodies…class!
Football team supported – I’m afraid I’m another plastic Salford Red fan! I have been to the Trafford Centre though…does that count?
Sporting hero – people think because you’re a bit unit, that your sporting hero has to be big unit too…for example…Geoff Capes, Giant Haystacks, Ian Austin, but that’s doesn’t always have to be the case. Anyway, mine’s William “The Fridge “Perry!
Bad habit – midnight feasting, one am feasting, two am feasting…etc
Weakness – bit of a mummy’s boy…she still washes me back…and me front!
Strength – plenty to hammer it home with…if you get me drift!!
Hobbies / interests – umpiring…had to really, since the powers that be have ruthlessly axed me, thus potentially bringing my career to premature end. Had to chuckle though, when I triggered Greeny a fortnight ago…wouldn’t have hit another set! Even funnier…it ended his career. Tough shit! Laisterdyke forever…take no prisoners.
Embarrassing moment – whilst holidaying recently in Ilfracombe, I was asked for my autograph…imagine my disappointment when it turned out they thought I was Dangermouse’s sidekick, Penfold!
Guilty pleasure – Jo Brand…big, brash and beautiful. Just imagine the two of us going at it like…oops, sorry mum, didn’t realise you were there…I’ll get on with cleaning my bedroom then
Name – Gurdiv Singh
Favourite nickname – The Swilling Indian…cos I’m Indian and like a drink!
Favourite band – Frankie goes to Bollywood
Favourite film – Debbie does
Football team supported – don’t do football…not on my radar, but if I had to choose a team, it would have to be Queens Pakora Rangers
Sporting hero – easy…The Little Master…Jonny Green…heh, heh…only joking, Sachin Tendulkar, although I could teach him a thing or two about twatting it into the stands!
Bad habit – smoking sixty a day…interrupts me drinking
Weakness – dress sense…a bit chav like
Strength – confidence…hence why I label myself the best cricketer never to have played for India
Hobbies / interests – DJ-ing…DJ Arji Bhaji whacking out some serious bangra beats!
Embarrassing moment – that should be embarrassing moments…as I’m constantly mistaken for The Nutty Professor!!
Guilty pleasure – fellow fridge Kerry Katona! Actually she’s more of a fridge freezer, but I bet she goes a bit
TALKING POINT
Due to me “ jacking in “ our wonderful game last week, I thought it would be a good idea to pick my Clayton Cricket Best 11, that I have had the pleasure of playing with, from the present and years gone by, which I imagine and hope will create a decent topic of conversation and discussion!!
I have also provided a few, never seen club statistics and will probably never be seen again…
Jed Illingworth
Paul Gill
Matthew Connell
Mark Paynter (Capt.)
Tim Evans (wk)
Sam Wilson
Gary Kingett
James Shutt
Lindsay Robertshaw
Andy Cradock
Steve Elphee
Moving onto a few Clayton Cricket Club statistics I’ve been working on, that don’t normally see the light of day…
78 – the number of run outs Doctor Cricket has been involved in
4 – the number of times Doctor Cricket has been run out
1 – fielding points won by Doctor Cricket
0 – fielding points won by Bob Stead
-1 – fielding points won by Steve Jones
96 – catches I have dropped
16 – catches I have dropped and palmed over the boundary for six
27 – on field tantrums thrown by Jedrick
26 – on field tantrums thrown by Todge
21 – victims sledged by Leesy, to the point of him being reported to the league
2 – times Lindsay Robertshaw has smiled on a cricket field
256 – times that the ball has outpaced Doctor Cricket to the boundary
3 – singles Darren Hale ran
2 – twos Darren Hale ran
1 – three Darren Hale ran…unfortunately he hadn’t realised he’d been run out going for the first run. Not played since.
Just a few there to whet your appetite…others will appear, at a later date.
ASHES TO ASHES
As I write this, there are only two weeks till battle commences…just fourteen days till the greatest cricketing showdown on the planet. I for one can’t wait and as previously stated, I think England will come out on top.
I realise and appreciate I’m no expert, but I feel the aussie bumholes will struggle with bat in hand, and a lot will depend on how well Ponting goes. Katich is a scratcher and won’t cause too many problems, Hughes is talented but very inexperienced, Hussey and Clarke are not firing and haven’t for a while now, North is a good county player and nothing more, whilst Haddin may bag a couple of decent scores.
If Ponting doesn’t get going, the job’s fu**ed for the whingeing bozos .
On the other hand, their bowling line up is pretty impressive and may cause us a few problems…Johnson, Lee, Clark and Psycho Siddle make up a fearsome attack, but the lack of a decent spinner may bite them on the arse.
That said,
Please don’t hang me out to dry, if my predictions are way off…they normally are!
BILL AND
Bell, Bell…I’ve got a beauty for you this week…
Great…go on then…
What’s round, yellow and sings?
I don’t know Bill, what is round, yellow and sings?
Melon Kim
Melon Kim?
Yeah, Melon Kim…it’s a word play on Mel and Kim…the Appleby sisters, from the late eighties…remember?
No! Give me some space Bill…preferably for the next decade.
NEIGHBOURHOOD WATCH
This week it’s the turn of Shelf. Historically, we’ve always had a tussle when playing the Carr House Laners, but always enjoyed a beer with them afterwards.
This season, Dave Maloney signed on from Brighouse, as first team captain, and will provide Bradford League experience. I note he has started the season with a good few wickets and am sure he will continue to do so. With young Ramsden, old man Priestley and positively ancient Silver, bowling teams out shouldn’t be a problem. With Dibs as consistent as ever with the willow, the first team should be there or thereabouts when the trophies are handed out at the season’s end.
The seconds are lead by Colin Boardall, who I hear has decided to retire…good luck in your retirement pal, the team will be missing a top batsman. Old Father Time has recently come out of retirement, and looks like he has never been away, although I’m sure his body tells him otherwise. With a good mix of youth and experience, the seconds will also be pushing for honours.
Good luck to both sides for the remainder of the season.
Congratulations to our chums up the hill, as both teams moved through to the semi-finals of their respective cup competitions. A fantastic effort, and all the best to them, in their quest for final places.
TODGERS OF THE WEEK (sponsored by Tim Evans)
A slight change to the norm this edition, as the week has thrown up two todgers…on Saturday, our first team captain finished the game with Towergate tattooed on his forehead, after letting a dolly drop through his hands. No claret was spilt, but the big lump went down as if he’d been hit by Mike Tyson, in his prime! Reckons he can’t remember anything about it…ponce!
Secondly, on Wednesday evening, Hyacinth got a lift to Northowram, to watch the U15’s in their quarter final. Unfortunately for Bucket, the game was been played at Southowram, his lift had returned to whence it came, he had no credit on his mobile and no money in his pocket! Cue, a lengthy walk home, for the Rhino scummer!!
ANY OTHER BUSINESS
I want to start by welcoming Dean Smith back to the club after four or five years away. I’m sure you’ll all join me in wishing Deano the very best, and here’s hoping he stays for a good few years, this time.
The Fantasy Cricket League is now well up and running, and is proving very popular. At the last count, the top three, were, in order…Smiler, Staylor and Ash, with only seventy eight points between them. Good fun and much to play for.
Congratulations to the U15’s for a great win in their quarter final at Southowram, on Wednesday. I will report on all the junior teams, next week.
I have recently been in discussion with Tops and Andrew Fowler (Gaynor’s husband) in regard to producing a Clayton Cricket calendar, for next year, to hopefully raise funds for the club. At the moment we are going down the road of players and associates in some form of undress, linking in to what they do at/for the club. Predictable, I know, but it should be a laugh, and we are confident it has the potential to sell big and make some good money for our pavilion fund, at a minimal cost.
Your input and thoughts would be greatly appreciated, and if it is a goer, I need to know who is prepared to get their kit off for the cause???
If we go with it, we want to crack on within the next month or so.
Good luck to the firsts away at Queensbury and the seconds, who entertain Bradshaw.
Edition 6
CLAYTON CRICKET CLUB – WEEKLY NEWSLETTER EDITION SIX
W/E.20.06.09
Panic over…after a month’s sabbatical, The Mushroom returns, with what I hope you find an info and action packed edition. Much has happened within the aforementioned month, so here goes…
PREVIEW FROM THE WEEKEND
Due to the number of games played since the last issue, I have attempted to condense the action into summary form, with special mentions noted, when and where required…
1st TEAM
23-05-09 – no game
25-05-09 H – Denholme Clough 154, Clayton 156-0 (10/2)
Gurdy 6-29 and Sutters 101no
30-05-09 A – Outlane 130, Clayton 131-6 (10/2)
Gurdy 4-13, Elf 4-33 and Knackers 57no
31-05-09 A (cup) Clayton 200, Booth 204-3
Hadley 51 and Knackers 45
06-06-09 H – Clayton 286-6, Augustinians 149 (10/3)
Knackers 78no, Ash 133 and Elf 6-72
13-06-09 A – Stones 158, Clayton 151 (5/9)
Two fantastic tons for Sutters and the skip, with Sam coming into some good form with the willow. Unfortunately the defeat to Stones put a dent in our unbeaten start to the season, and it will be interesting to see how we respond this weekend at home to Stainland. Ash’s boys remain in second place with 72 points from eight games played.
2nd TEAM
23-05-09 H – Outlane 93, Clayton 97-2 (10/0)
Romany Ron 6-14 and Cartman 60no
25-05-09 A – Clayton 82, Sowerby SP 86-2 (0/10)
30-05-09 H – Clayton 163, Booth 164-8 (4/10)
Ledg 64no, Radish 4-78
31-05-09 a (cup) Clayton 249-4, Stones 251-8
Cartman 52, Ledg 47no and Corbett 49no
06-06-09 A - Booth…abandoned without a ball being balled
13-06-09 H – Sowerby SP 199, Clayton 200-3 (10/3)
Cartman 5-47 and Galley 81no
The second team continue to struggle for inconsistency, and lay mid table with 52 points from nine games played.
The batting collapse away at Sowerby SP was particularly difficult to accept, followed by the crushing cup defeat, after scoring an ungettable 249…or so we thought! Stones’ number three, Andy Myers, came in with the score on four, in the second over, was dropped on thirty, had scored forty two off twenty overs and ended up on 155no, winning the game with six overs to spare. The ninth wicket was worth an undefeated sixty three, with the number ten finishing on 0no!! Enough said. The dude was no second team cricketer, and I’m sure he will be in the firsts before too long.
DUCK CLUB 2009
Shit the bed, the ducks have been coming in by the lake load, as can be seen by the updated members club, listed below…
John Hartley - 3
Jonathan Green - 2
John Jonas - 2
Jason Taylor - 2
Tim Evans - 2
Sam Wilson - 2
Paul Ascough - 1
Martin Hodgson – 1
Jake Thwaite – 1
Ben Raywood – 1
Howard Stead – 1
Matthew Connell – 1
Andy Sutcliffe – 1
Jed Illingworth – 1
The Scudmeister is out there on his own at present, but the competition is hotting up behind him, and I’m sure there will be many a twist and a turn by the season’s end!
PLAYER PROFILES
Two club stalwarts are to be put under the microscope this week…lawnmower extraordinaire Les Dawson and Eurovision bigwig Lloyd Webber…
Name – Leslie Mawson
Favourite nickname – Uncle Les…and no, i don’t think it sounds sinister
Favourite band – Smokie…a local band, great lyrics, pure class and quality…I mean, come on…Alice, Alice, who the fu** is Alice
Favourite film – I like a good romantic comedy, so it’s got to be Two’s up in Texas!
Football team supported – Clayton Orient. I’m the manager don’t you know…well, the assistant manager actually…to be honest I’m just the sponge man and water carrier, but I’m still an integral part…apparently!
Sporting hero – son in law Andy Windle…a truly remarkable sportsman
Bad habit – bias to son in law Andy Windle
Weakness – girls aged between sixteen and nineteen
Strength – cutting grass and strimming
Hobbies / interests – just recently purchased a pair of binoculars, and gonna twitch for
Embarrassing moment – my performance at the 1997 Bradford Central League Cup Final, held at Harden. I wasn’t even playing! Met Kid Charisma in the Malt Shovel, and sank four pints in half an hour, continued to consume vast amounts of Budweiser at the ground. Consistently halted the game by walking behind the bowler’s arm, before finding a pew, on which I managed to catch a few zeds. Whilst comfortably nestled on Harold Naylor’s shoulder, I was rudely awoken…resulting in me yakking up a couple of perfectly formed pizzas, at the side of the playing area. Twenty minutes later, at 7.30pm, I was safely tucked up in bed, totally oblivious to the carnage caused.
Guilty pleasure – look, lets get one thing straight…I don’t just perv over young girls…I’m equally at home perving over older girls as well, and with that in mind my guilty pleasure is Myley Cyrus
Name – Jonathan Lees
Favourite nickname – look, listen here, nicknames are fu**ing stupid…Lloyd Webber, Harry Redknapp etc.etc. So bloody childish
Favourite band – being a man of culture, it has to be the London Philharmonic Orchestra
Favourite film – Debbie does
Football team supported – The Mighty Bantams! Although a bit of a glory hunter, and wouldn’t be interested if they weren’t in The Premiership
Sporting hero – Craig Stadler…fat golfer
Bad habit – I can be a tad over competitive at times…just ask Oscar…I’ve no qualms about bouncing him the back yard, and am more than happy to spark him over the houses.
Weakness – vodka jelly. I could eat it with every meal
Strength – my ability to communicate at all levels…just cast your mind back to
Hobbies / interests – poetry…writing and reciting…I just love a good poem!
Cricket, cricket, cricket
A truly fantastic game
Wicket, wicket, wicket
Each day never the same
Embarrassing moment – some would maybe take the following as a compliment…I find the whole damn thing quite embarrassing. It is well known in gonad circles, that mine are the size of a donkey’s…but to compare me to Eddie Ruddock…no way hose…the man has two basketballs in his scrotum!
Guilty pleasure – Sarah Brightman
TALKING POINT
With cricket now a permanent fixture on Sky TV, it got me thinking of the commentators, past and present, and who were and are the dogs bollocks…my memory goes back as far as the dulcet tones of John Arlott and Jim Laker, before moving on to the wit and wisdom of the mighty Richie Benaud. Nowadays the commentary box is stacked full of ex players and dignitaries, who try but rarely emulate the aforementioned vocal superstars, even with the technology now available…Athers, Paul Allott, Nasser, Ian Ward, Bob Wills, Bumble, Beefy and Boycs, to name but a few. Bumble does it for me, with that unmistakable
As said previously, the old dogs from days gone by still hold sway with me, with Richie just pipping Jim Laker as the numero uno, even taking into consideration he’s an Aussie!!!
ASHES TO ASHES
The 8th July 2009 is looming larger than ever, and my arse, for one, is already starting to nip. I genuinely feel
Please find listed below, the team I think England will take the field with, on the 8th…not necessarily the team I would like to see take the field…
Andrew Strauss (Capt.)
Alistair Cook
Kevin Pietersen
Paul Collingwood
Matt Prior (wk)
Andrew Flintoff
Stuart Broad
Graeme Swann
Graham Onions
James Anderson
BILL AND
What worries me Bell is that you don’t seem to share the same enthusiasm for our hilarious double act, as I do…I’m putting my heart and soul into making our partnership a roaring success…the problem is you just act all surly and disinterested!
Bill, the idea is that I’m supposed to be the straight man to your funny man…unfortunately; you’re about as funny as piles.
Right, you tit, try this for size…
Bin man goes into the local Chinese takeaway
”where’s your bin mate?” he asks the owner
“I bin to
“No, no…where’s your wheelie bin, mate?”
“I wheelie bin to Hong Kong”
Lord, strike me down!
NEIGHBOURHOOD WATCH
This week, a first mention of the season for my gaffer’s club…
Good luck to the Hill Toppers, for the remainder of the season, and hopefully battle between the two of us, will recommence before too long.
TODGER OF THE WEEK (sponsored by Tim Evans)
Graeme Smith – South African skipper…20/20 semi, chasing a modest total of 147, the tactics employed by the tournament favourites beggared belief as Duminy scratched about for less than a run a ball red inker, leaving their most potent weapon, Albie Morkel, on the bench till the final over, resulting in them coming up short by five runs.
ANY OTHER BUSINESS
Where to start?? Congratulations to Mr and Mrs Connell…Matthew and Victoria…who were married on the 12th June 2009. It was a fantastic day, enjoyed by all…even the wedded couple’s first dance…Reach for the Stars, by the mighty S Club 7.
As I write, the happy couple are honeymooning in Tobago and are more than likely shagging!
Congratulations must also go to Wearside and his lovely wife Kathryn, who are expecting their first child at the end of this year.
Good news from The Bull…it now has a new management team, has been rebranded and has reopened…as Bar Magaluf!! Classy!!
I must take this opportunity to mention the promotion of the mighty Burnley FC, to the promised land of the premiership. A fantastic achievement considering the size of the squad, the lack of funds and the number of games played. The stay may only be a short one, but we’re gonna enjoy it!!
Top marks must go to the English ladies, who destroyed the Aussies, in the 20/20 semi final, by eight wickets, after chasing down 164!
Laura Marsh is a bit of a babe…Holly Colvin too!
Producing this newsletter each week (most weeks, anyway) does give me the chance to spout off and air my views etc.etc, maybe rightly or wrongly.
Much has been said about the need to promote the juniors to the senior ranks, within the club, and those has obviously been pushed forward this week, as Smiler and myself have been relieved of our duties, to enable this to happen.
I don’t want to discuss selection policy, or who should be playing or not. I can’t talk for Smiler, who may see things differently, and might be a little cheesed. What I do want to discuss is the outcome for myself. I have initially struggled for form with the bat this season, and am only just starting to get my arse into gear. My knee has been bothering me for about six weeks now, and it doesn’t take a genius to see that I am feeling it in the field, and letting the side down.
My intention was to retire at the end of the season, but feel now is as good a time as any. Cricket is quickly becoming a young person’s game, and I am more than happy to stand aside and let the young dudes come through and hopefully take the club forward even further.
I started playing for Clayton CC as a junior myself, stopped playing at sixteen, and then started again in 1991, as a twenty two year old. I have had eighteen fantastic years playing for a fantastic cricket club, and even managed to win a few pots along the way. I have met some fine people and made some truly great friends, and long may those friendships continue.
Laughs have been aplenty…you’ve got to, when you’ve played with the likes of Ronnie Farley, Beasty, Crads, Kev Keenan and Crowy, to name but a few. As the years have progressed the club and team has improved, as can be seen from the league we are playing in at present.
The last couple of years haven’t been so enjoyable for me, as the cricket has become more serious and intense, moving away from the village cricket team we are, and I accept that has to happen for the team to progress.
The untimely death of George also hit me quite hard and it’s not been the same without him around the place…he seemed to be able to pull everybody together and just gave off such positivity. I’m sure we all feel the same and still miss him immensely.
I think that just about sums it up…I will obviously play if the seconds are short, and need a short, fat, hairy bald bloke to shore up the middle order, but I think we have plenty of bodies to choose from, before resorting to me!
Christ I’m filling up here…time to sign off.
Good luck to both teams in their respective games this weekend.
Edition Five
CLAYTON CRICKET CLUB – WEEKLY NEWSLETTER EDITION FIVE
W/E.23.05.09
PREVIEW FROM THE WEEKEND
A mixed weekend for Clayton’s finest, in what turned out to be two very competitive and feisty encounters. The first team were at home to league new boys and old rivals, Wibsey Park Chapel. WPC batted first, and scored a very respectable 221-2, off forty one overs due to rain interruptions. It proved to be a difficult target, but was reached in the final over, thanks in main to a snorter of an innings from the big man, the best number nine in the division, the one and only Gurdy, who steered the side to score 40 runs off the last three overs, helping himself to 52no. He was helped in no uncertain terms, by yet again, Todge and Jedrick, who hit 40 and 41no respectively. Seven points to five, in Clayton’s favour.
It would appear that WPC haven’t changed their ways, and are still an arrogant bunch who seem to think they’re better than they actually are!! I think it’s safe to say they were put firmly in their place, but you would think that after joining a new league they could at least show some humility and try to make a good impression.
The seconds had an equally entertaining afternoon, at Greetland…the opposition were inserted and at one stage it looked like they wouldn’t reach the 130 mark…unfortunately their number nine swung the willow and brayed it to all parts, although he was dropped twice early doors. 180 all out! All the bowlers chipped in, with The Gipsy King looking the part. We lost three early wickets, and never really recovered…Radar (50+) and Jam Tarts (40+) both batted well, but after their demise, the game was as good as over, and the innings came to a close, on 154, gaining five points for the boys.
The game was livened up, when, during Greetland’s innings, their first team returned after their match at Bradshaw was abandoned…plenty of banter ensued, until a contentious run out brought the innings to an end. This only stoked the fires, and one first team player thought it would be good to have a dig at Radar ( he was pissed and as high as the proverbial kite…not Radar, by the way ) He took great pleasure in informing us that he had a boat load of convictions and was a bit of a lad! Fortunately matters died down, but I feel it had a bit of a negative effect and maybe prayed on our minds somewhat, before batting.
During our innings, the lad in question took his self off to the bird huts overlooking the pitch, got his kit off, and tried to have his way with a couple of old pigeons.
His wife/girlfriend soon turned up and he shuffled off with his tail (now covered up) between his legs.
DUCK CLUB 2009
Bloody brilliant…absolutely bloody brilliant…two games in the seconds and two fecking ducks. Whose stupid idea was it to bring the duck club back anyway? Mine? Oh!
Joining me this week, was 2007 winner, Hodgey, which is of some comfort to me, as there’s time for him to bag at least five or six more before the seasons out! And yes, I am the sole leader in the clubhouse! See below!
Jonathan Green - 2
Howard Stead - 1
Jason Taylor - 1
John Hartley - 1
Tim Evans - 1
Sam Wilson - 1
Paul Ascough - 1
Martin Hodgson – 1
Moving quickly on…
PLAYER PROFILES
Coley and Staylor are under the microscope this week…
Name – Tony Coulwill
Favourite nickname – Romany Ron
Favourite band – The Gipsy Kings
Favourite film – 101 Dalmatians…I’m not as mean and moody as you all like to think. I can be in touch with me feminine side
Football team supported –
Sporting hero – Gary Kingett…dart player extraordinaire and great earrings
Bad habit – drinking with Ledg and Harts…always end up under a table somewhere, then paying out vast amounts of money for new carpets etc, after projectile vomiting on returning home, much to the delight of er indoors
Weakness – getting into a round with Ledg and Harts
Strength – my ability to tan naturally…they don’t call me Tony the Tan for nothing
Hobbies / interests – piercing…I’ve got everything pierced, ears, nipples, penis, and haemorrhoids
Embarrassing moment – when on holiday last year, whilst having a meal in a very exclusive eatery, I was asked by some little scroat where had I parked me horse and cart! I mean, do I look like a rag and bone man?
Guilty pleasure – Vicky Pollard
Name – Simon Taylor
Favourite nickname – Mel Gibson…we could be twins!
Favourite band – The Pet Shop Boys…I love a bit of camp pop
Favourite film – Billy Elliot…ooh, I could see meself in the lead role, quite easily
Football team supported –
Sporting hero – Christian
Bad habit – mincing…can’t help it, it just comes naturally
Weakness – I can be a bit indecisive…no, unorganised, no, definitely indeci...forgetful…oh I don’t know!
Strength – hung like a horse! My ability to take the mick out of myself…hung like a wasp more like!
Hobbies / interests – just started getting into golf, but am finding it very difficult. I hook every wood or iron shot. It’s so bloody frustrating. I’ve been told by the club professional that the only cure is to have my neck straightened!
Embarrassing moment – it involved me getting me arse out, Wendy and a pool cue. Can’t discuss it further…too painful
Guilty pleasure – Mel Gibson
TALKING POINT
This may seem a tad self indulgent, but during last weekend’s visit to Grotland, I finished the game with both knee and shoulder issues, and it got me thinking…am I injury / accident prone or just plain clumsy?
I started my cricketing career in the juniors at Clayton, and remained injury free. I rejoined the club in 1991, and in my first season sprained my ankle at
I recall the last game of the season was away at Odsal, and on entering the Bull, Ronnie Farley asked me “come on then Greeny, what have you injured today?” I turned round to face him, complete with a golf ball sized lump on me chin, after top edging one into me own mush! Needless to say he found it quite amusing!
I was opening the batting with Gillboy away at Baildon, and things were going smoothly, until I again went over on my ankle mid-run and was run out! Gilly was as sympathetic as ever.
At Salem, in the evening league, I took one on the side of the head, just over my ear, off a good length. Christ, it didn’t half hurt.
In a cup quarter final at home to Adwalton, I tore my hamstring, and missed ten weeks of the season.
At Salem again, in another quarter final, whilst knocking up, I went to retrieve the ball from the jungle, pitch side, and was in view one minute and gone the next…ankle ligament damage.
Whilst fielding at Rawdon, in the evening league, I dislocated my finger, and had to go to the BRI to have it put back in place, but it wouldn’t go back in at first…that stung a bit, also.
Last year at home to Bridgeholme, I dislocated the same finger, but thankfully Elphee’s other half jarred it back into place for me…bloody painful.
Finally, away at Thornbury, the ball went up about half a mile, with Connell and myself underneath…he made a move to go for it, then threw me a dummy, so I got under it, with my little lady hands at the ready, but unfortunately it passed through my pinkies and smashed me on the nose, mouth and cheekbone…then went for six! Had to go to the BRI again, to check out the cheekbone, and lost the feeling in my front tooth for two years, till the nerve healed!
I think that’s everything…please feel free to offer sympathy and if you’re female, hugs and kisses would be nice.
ASHES TO ASHES
Two months and counting…and
Coincidently, the Aussie ashes squad was announced, and here is my assessment of the individuals selected. I must add that in the past, my predictions and comments tend to come back and haunt me, but I’ve got to get something right sometime…
Ricky Ponting (Capt.) one of
Michael Clarke (v.capt.) decent bat, occasional bowler, top fielder. Needs more consistency and needs also to go on to make big scores.
Brad Haddin (wk) tidy wicketkeeper, bit of a thraper, but unfortunate for him, has massive boots to fill
Phillip Hughes young kid, first tour of
Simon Katich billy average and a stroppy little turd
Michael Hussey up until the last twelve months, one of the most consistent run scorers in test cricket. Has struggled since…past it!
Shane Watson a very average all rounder, and always injured…a big risk
Marcus North middle order batter and part time pie thrower can’t see him getting a shirt
Andrew McDonald bowling all rounder. Nothing to worry about. Ginger!
Brett Lee express pace opening bowler. Injuries may have taken their toll. Only time will tell.
Mitchell Johnson possibly the best bowler in test cricket. Can also give it a fearful whack, with the willow. A quality player.
Peter Siddle decent fast/medium pace bowler and likes to give opposition batsmen a few verbals
Nathan Hauritz spin bowler…who doesn’t spin it. No Shane Warne, but then who is?
Ben Hilfenhaus chunky pace bowler…will only play if the crocs don’t make it.
Stuart Clark experienced medium pace bowler, who should be useful in English conditions…if he’s fit!
Graham Manou who??
All in all a very inexperienced squad, with a distinctly defensive look about it. Fitness worries surround Lee, Clark and Watson, which is a fair chunk of their entire bowling attack. The font of all things cricket…Dr.Cricket, tips the Aussies to win the series 3-1, to retain the ashes…I disagree wholeheartedly and think England will triumph 2-0 or 2-1.
Who’s your money on?
BILL AND
You’ll like this one Bell; honest…what do you call a Spaniard who’s lost his vehicle?
I’ve no idea Bill…Sergio?
Eh…Sergio…no, Carlos…Carlos! It’s not rocket science! Don’t you have a sense of humour?
?
Thwack!
I think you’ve broken my node,
NEIGHBOURHOOD WATCH
It’s time to discuss our old foes and new friends from up the hill. Both teams are this season playing in the premier league, the firsts being skippered by Jason Gelder and the seconds by Little Billy Payton.
After a slow start the firsts have picked up nicely, and currently lie in sixth place with twenty five points, thanks in part to the runs of Jonny Lister and Micky Hustler. Billy’s Boys have quietly got on with the job in hand and are presently second with thirty three points, with all the players chipping in and doing their bit.
Much has been said between our clubs over the last few years, some of it garbage, but the bottom line is that Jer have improved year on year and deserve to be where they are. It gives Clayton something to aspire to, and the direction in which we need to go.
I note that the pimpernel is back…don’t take too much of what he says to heart boys…it’s not the views of Clayton CC, just somebody having a bit of banter, but not knowing when to keep it shut.
Good luck for the rest of the season. Christ, I’ve become a right old kiss ass…must be an age thing.
TODGER OF THE WEEK (sponsored by Tim Evans)
Shoaib Akhtar – the Pakistan Cricket Board deemed it okay to inform the world that he has genital warts. Absolute quality.
ANY OTHER BUSINESS
I’m sure you’ll all be glad to know that Dr.Cricket’s operation was a resounding success…he now weighs only twelve stone, but his knee’s still fu**ed.
Congratulations to Howser, who is the leading run scorer in the Terry Wynne first team division. Not bad after a first week blodger! Not bad for an old bloke!
Congratulations must go to Paul “Captain Peaheart “Cuthbertson, on finally getting the Odsal CC website up and running. It really is a work of art. I just hope that other players contribute, as at the moment it’s just the Durm and Cuffy show…sorry, the Cuffy and Durm show.
It’s presently 6.55am, Saturday, as I write this, and The Two Ronnies are on the box, and at the moment Pan’s People (some of you might remember) are throwing out some serious shapes. I didn’t appreciate them in my early years, but watching them now, I’m feeling quite horny. It takes all sorts.
Time to get meself off…I must take this opportunity to wish Burnley FC, all the very best for the Championship Play Off Final, on Monday.
Edition Four
CLAYTON CRICKET CLUB – WEEKLY NEWSLETTER EDITION FOUR
W/E.16.05.09
PREVIEW FROM THE WEEKEND
Our fantastic start to the season continued, with both teams bagging the full ten points.
The first team played host to Luddenden Foot, batted first, and again scored 200 plus, finishing on 224-6. Big Howser followed up on last week’s 89 with another fine knock of 97 and was ably assisted by Todge and Jed. The total proved far too competitive for the visitors, who were eventually bowled out for 84. Knackers, Gurdy and Norman all chipped in, with three wickets apiece.
That win left Ash’s boys top of the pile with maximum points of thirty.
Hodgey’s Heroes made the short journey to Bradshaw, and on winning the toss, inserted the opposition. Twenty eight overs later, we were sampling the delights of tea, after dismissing the home side for 101. Dandy was again very impressive in taking 6-44 and Winnie threw down some growlers to clean up the tail, finishing with 4-15.
Special praise must go to JT, who snaffled two cracking slip catches to take out both openers, off the bowling of Dandy. It is unsure at what slip he was fielding, but it appeared to be first, second and third! Truly remarkable!
102 required off sixty two overs…amended to 78 off forty eight overs, after the break for rain. The win was secured with ease, with only Winnie losing his wicket. Galley bagged his third red inker in three innings, and looks in fine fettle.
The win took the team to joint third, on twenty one points.
Long may the good form of both teams continue, with the firsts at home again this weekend, to league new boys, Wibsey and the seconds travelling to Greetland, in what should be a toughie!
DUCK CLUB 2009
Another week…another couple of victims! Big names as well, although I have been asked to mention that both were out attempting to push the score on at the end of the innings! This is of no relevance…a duck is a duck! Welcome Ash and Knackers…high cost in the fantasy cricket league, but that, unfortunately, is no safeguard to membership of our famous club.
Listed below is the full list of all 2009 members, each on one duck…
Howard Stead
Jason Taylor
John Hartley
Tim Evans
Jonny Green
Sam Wilson
Paul Ascough
PLAYER PROFILES
The two profilees this week are club short bloke John Jonas and ground committee head honcho, Walter Gerald Drapier…
Name – Walter Gerald Drapier
Favourite nickname – Sausage fingers…due to me having fingers like sausages…big sausages
Favourite band – Rage Against the Machine…proper hard. Well, I’m more of an Abba man actually
Favourite film – Fight Club…I choreographed it
Football team supported – football’s for puffs
Sporting hero – Dougal McDougal…caber tosser extraordinaire
Bad habit – some would say I can be a bit of a bully. If pulling somebody’s finger nails off with my teeth, over an unpaid loan, is bullying, then who am I to argue
Weakness – violence and thuggery…I just can’t help meself
Strength – thuggery and violence…I just love it
Hobbies / interests – making mincemeat…out of people
Embarrassing moment – wearing me sandals when stamping on some scroat’s face, after he had verbally abused Todge. Should have gone back to the hotel and put me dealers on!
Guilty pleasure – Big Mo Slater (Eastenders) a right little sha*piece
Name – John Jonas
Favourite nickname – Corbett…after the Russian gymnast Olga
Favourite band – Chumbawumba…cos I’m a political anarchist! Gordon Brown out…Danbert Nobacon in
Favourite film – Bambi
Football team supported – Melchester Rovers…big Roy Race fan…ooh, those flowing locks
Sporting hero – Howard Webb…a referee of the highest calibre. A bit of a hunk too
Bad habit – being a professional pain in the arse
Weakness – doughnuts
Strength – how long have you got?………………………………….It could take me an age to come up with one
Hobbies / interests – moaning…I can moan for England. It wouldn’t surprise me if I moaned in my sleep…I’ve never slept with anybody, so I don’t kno…er...can we move on to the next question please
Embarrassing moment – it involves one of Gerry’s sausage fingers!?
Guilty pleasure – Bambi…only joking...Hattie Jacques…I like the more fulsome figure on a woman
TALKING POINT
The referral system…good or bad? My opinion, for what it’s worth, is to ditch it and let the umpire’s do their job and the fourth umpire continue to assist on run outs and contentious catches. Piece of piss!
ASHES TO ASHES
With two months to go before the battle for the ashes commence, there are still one or two places up for grabs. Listed below is the team I would love to see take on the enemy, picked from England teams of the past and present that I have had the pleasure to watch…
Geoff Boycott
Michael Vaughan (cpt)
David Gower
Kevin Pietersen
Robin Smith
Ian Botham
Andrew Flintoff
Alan Knott (wk)
Simon Jones
Derek Underwood
Bob Willis
If only!
BILL AND
I don’t know Bill, what animal would I like to be if I was cold…not that I really give a shit
A little otter…a little otter Bell…geddit? Where you going
To find a gun!
NEIGHBOURHOOD WATCH
With the firsts entertaining old Bradford Central League foes Wibsey Park Chapel, I thought it would be a good opportunity to discuss their progress this season so far, in their first year in The Halifax League.
The firsts have struggled a little and have a winning draw and two defeats to their name. They lie in ninth position with twelve points, whilst the seconds have had a promising start winning one, losing one and a winning draw in the other, leaving them in fifth spot on twenty points.
I don’t claim to know many of the lads who play, but it would appear that they have kept the majority of the players who finished the 2007 season, which is a good effort after a year out of competitive cricket.
I wish them all the best for the season and I also wish they would play their home games somewhere else!
TODGER OF THE WEEK (sponsored by Tim Evans)
This week’s lucky recipient is West Indian captain Chris Gayle…good player, shit captain, waste of space
ANY OTHER BUSINESS
This weekend is Trish’s last weekend at The Bull. The place won’t be the same without her. She has supported the club both in person and financially over the last ten years or so, continuing the relationship between pub and club that has gone on since Brooky reached puberty.
Many thanks Trish and all the very best for the future, in whatever you decide to do.
The week prior to the season’s start, the club hosted a race night, in which well over a thousand pounds was raised. I, rather shabbily, forgot to mention this in the first newsletter. Thanks must go to Ash, who organised the fundraiser and also sat on the tote all night. Scott Pendlebury compared the evening and did a sterling job, and even managed to keep is kit on!
Sweaty finally entered hospital for an op on his troublesome knee, today (15th May 2009) Rumour has it though, that the doctor, seeing Sweaty on the operating table, performed liposuction and gave him a tummy tuck!
Edition 3
CLAYTON CRICKET CLUB – WEEKLY NEWSLETTER EDITION THREE
W/E.09.05.09
PREVIEW FROM THE WEEKEND
What a mighty fine weekend for Clayton CC…four games played, four games won. That must be a first in our esteemed history.
The first team travelled to
Outlane were the cup opponents, for both teams, with Ash’s soldiers drawn at home. Again, they batted first, and again they put up a big score…305-6, to be precise. At the forefront was Hadley, with a fantastic 136, and he received great support from Sutters (65) and Ash (70no) Outlane could only muster 143, resulting in a 162 run defeat. Knackers was the stand out bowler, finishing with top figures of 5-10! Booth will be the opponents in the next round, in what should be a tough tie.
The seconds were hoping for an improved performance, after the ten wicket spanking by Low Moor last weekend, and thankfully they got one. Shelf could only mange 139, with Deidre Barlow doing most of the damage, during a very lively stint, finishing with 6-31 from seventeen overs. Unfortunately the batting failed to fire again, but Smiler and Girlie saw the boys home, helping themselves to 45no and 23no respectively, giving the team a six wicket win and ten points into the bargain.
A trip to the hard shoulder of the M62 was the order of the day on Sunday. It was bloody windy, bloody cold and bloody noisy. Roddis and Coley were unavailable and were replaced by Wendy’s love child and Matty Celeriac. Outlane batted first, and to their credit made a very challenging 206-8, which we felt was about fifty runs too many. The wickets were evenly shared out, but special praise must go to Nick and Matty, who both bowled nine overs and both collected two wickets. The lads are thirteen and promise much for the future.
Hodgey lost his wicket early doors, but Cartman (96no) and Galley (78no) put on an unbeaten 194, in taking the team to a relatively trouble free nine wicket win.
Stones is the destination for the next round, in what should be a good chance to progress to the quarters again.
DUCK CLUB 2009
After the latest round of games, it is safe to say that the Duck Club is well and truly open. Three new members joined the swelling ranks this week, to take the number of ducks bagged so far this season, to five. Jam Tarts copped for a first ball, leg before on Saturday, and then had the audacity to claim he got a thick inside edge on it first. Just smacks of desperation big fella. Todge also bagged a first baller, on Sunday. The third victim has unfortunately slipped my mind.
Please find listed below the five miscreants…
Howard Stead
Jason Taylor
John Hartley
Tim Evans
Jonny Green
Game on!
PLAYER PROFILES
Name – Pete Galley
Favourite nickname – Peter Perfect…cos I am
Favourite band – don’t really listen to music, but Gareth Gates pushes all my buttons
Favourite film – Deep Throa…erm…Shreck
Football team supported –
Sporting hero – Pete Galley
Bad habit – continually admiring myself in the mirror. I just can’t help meself…I’m gorgeous
Weakness – this is Pete Galley you’re interviewing…I don’t do weak
Strength – my looks
Hobbies / interests – just started doing a spot of acting…well, not so much acting as appearing in low budget porn films. If you’ve got it flaunt it
Embarrassing moment – not really keen to divulge, but let’s just say I couldn’t rise to the occasion, and my acting career is now on the rocks
Guilty pleasure – Pete Galley
Name – Jed Illingworth
Favourite nickname – The Ginger Ninja
Favourite band –
Favourite film – Spice World…Ginger Spice in that Union Jack dress, with her breasts hanging out. Spellbinding
Football team supported –
Sporting hero – Mark Hughes…great manager!?
Bad habit – shortstriding whilst running
Weakness – I’ve apparently got a short fuse, and in the past have been called Captain Crackers. I don’t see it myself. You what…Salford Reds are the best side in
Strength – making love…they don’t call me Jed the Bed for nothing!
Hobbies / interests – morris dancing…got me own bells and everything
Embarrassing moment – doing a runner at Shelf last season, after throwing a thrombie. Enjoyed the Saturday afternoon matinee though
Guilty pleasure – can I pick two? Geri Halliwell ( Spice Girl ) and Nicola Roberts ( Girls Aloud ) I love a ginner, me. Flowing ginger locks…get in there
TALKING POINT
After the inclusion of Graham Onions, in the England team, for the first test against the Windies, I have, rather geekily, attempted to put together two teams consisting of food and drink based cricket players…England v Rest of the World ( past and present / dead and alive )
Please see below…
Sir Len Mutton Justin Banger ( Aus )
Ian Belly Pork Bread Haddin ( Aus )
Derek Pringles Egg Blewett ( Aus )
Lamb Plunkett Ian Fishop ( WI )
Graham Hooch Tomato Moody ( Aus )
Mark Eelham Richtea Benaud ( Aus )
Veal Fairbrother Malcolm Marshmellow ( WI )
Michael Prawn Brett Pea ( Aus )
Phil Custard Zaheer Naan (
David Flour Ashwell Mince ( SA )
Stuart Broad Bean Brendan Mash ( WI )
ASHES TO ASHES
The pre-cursor to the ashes is up and running, and by the end of day two,
I appreciate it’s early days and the opposition is shit, but the signs are that Flower and Strauss may just do a decent job…resulting in the ashes returning to these shores and out of the hands of the inbreds from Down Under.
BILL AND
Here Bell…two fish in a tank…one says to the other…it’s a bastard to drive is this thing!
Do you geddit
Yes Bill, I geddit…now fu** off and leave me alone.
Will do
NEIGHBOURHOOD WATCH
Neighbourhood watch is a new feature, keeping an eye on our local rivals ( Jer, Thornton, Clough, Wibsey and Low Moor )
This week I thought Denholme Clough deserved a mention after the exploits of their first team, last weekend. On the Saturday, they gained their first victory since 2005, with a 30 run defeat of Queensbury. Congratulations to all involved. The following day, at home to Mytholmroyd, in the cup, Denholme unfortunately reverted to type. They were not helped by their captain, who, for some insane reason, inserted the premier division visitors…they in turn amassed 403-7!! Then Clough fell headlong into a 331 run defeat. The captain has been requested to attend Kangaroo Court, where “shot at dawn” is odds on favourite to be the punishment handed down.
A fund raising event is now being hastily arranged, to cover the cost of the twenty seven cricket balls, now residing in Oxenhope!
TODGER OF THE WEEK ( sponsored by Tim Evans )
See above!
ANY OTHER BUSINESS
Not much to add really, although I feel I must reply to two comments on our guestbook and a text I have just received…
Stumpy – “how did Daz Hale not make the fat lads team?” This is a very good question, and one I can easily answer…his absence was just an oversight on my part! I can’t believe I overlooked Darren Hale…a man so big; it looks like he has swallowed a space hopper.
Baggins – “Greeny, duck, thanks…is there a transfer window?” Thank you for the vote of confidence Billy!!!
Smiler ( text ) “just done fantasy cricket for this week and I’m just letting you know that you’re in the bottom three player points with a score of nine. What a bargain buy you turned out to be!” Got a few runs did we Smiler?
Note to Galley…ditch the vest, you tart!
That brings to an end this week’s edition, and as is now becoming the norm, I must take this opportunity to wish Burnley all the best on Saturday, at home to Reading and for the away leg on Tuesday.
No pressure lads, but a trip to Wembley would be nice!
Edition 2
CLAYTON CRICKET CLUB – WEEKLY NEWSLETTER EDITION TWO
W/E.02.05.09
PREVIEW FROM THE WEEKEND
The first weekend of the season has been and gone…but it brought with it two very rare occurrences…a first team win and a second team defeat!!!
Shelf was the opposition for Ascough’s Soldiers, and revenge was the word on every body’s lips, after the way we performed against them last year. Tony the Tatt had the boys warming up, with some horrendous stretching exercises and Ash attempted to get the lads pumped up by laying out some serious tunes from his 1980’s ghetto blaster…hmm?
It certainly seemed to work…the toss was won, we batted and were skittled for a paltry 155, including the now obligatory mid order collapse. Sutters top scored with 32 and it took useful knocks from Jez and The Elf, at the end, to get us near something to bowl at.
A rousing half time talk from the new skip ensued and thirty seven overs later, the win was ours. Elphee set the tone by taking two wickets in the first over, and Shelf never recovered. Our new signing…The Naanmeister…picked up a tidy 3-34 on his debut, and should be a very good acquisition. Clayton 10 points, Shelf 3.
I would just like to mention the fielding, which was exemplary…apart from Potter, who dropped a catch equally as easy as the dolly he dropped at Jer. Time for some new hands, you butter fingered tit!
The second’s first game in the Roy Smith division did not turn out as planned. Bowled out for 115 against a pretty good Low Moor side, was never going to be a total easily defended, and the opposition ran home ten wicket winners. Smiler top scored with 23.
With Jed, Jonas and Galley available for selection this weekend, I’m sure that Hodgey’s Heroes will quickly be back to winning ways.
DUCK CLUB 2009
Due to the success of last year’s competition, coupled with the copious amount of blodgers bagged, resulting in Steve Miler winning the prestigious award (again) I am pleased to announce, with great delight, that the doors of the Duck Club are once again open. Just ask Howser and Ian Ormous…who both started the season with a resounding big fat zero. Chin up lads.
PLAYER PROFILES
Also back by popular demand are the player profiles. This term they are more personal rather than cricket based, giving you the opportunity to get to know these cricketing superstars on a more intimate level!! Not surprisingly, the two captains have been put under the spotlight this week…
Name – Paul Ascough
Favourite nickname - Fatty
Favourite band – I’m a bit impartial to a bit of Runrig
Favourite film – Gregory’s Girl…always had a crush on John Gordon Sinclair
Football team supported – who else, but the mighty
Sporting hero –
Bad habit – I never wash my hands after going to the lav…it’s just the rebel in me
Weakness – pies
Strength – eating sixteen in one sitting
Hobbies / interests – after reaching forty ( years of age, not stone ) last year, I thought it would be a nice idea to get myself a little hobby, for when my cricket career comes to a close…I plumped for sumo wrestling
Embarrassing moment – I don’t really want to go into detail, but it involves the toilets at Lidget Green rugby club and AN Other. Enough said
Guilty pleasure – Vanessa Feltz
Name – Martin Hodgson
Favourite nickname – Sid Spliff, although I am a tad mystified as to why I’ve inherited said moniker
Favourite band – Five…I’m so happy they’re reforming, and will be first in the queue for their Manchester gig
Favourite film – Trainspotting…use your imagination
Football team supported –
Sporting hero – Wicket keeping legend Kevin Keenan…I’m sure you can see the similarities in our keeping styles
Bad habit – Christ, where to start? Sheep worrying
Weakness – cricket
Strength – sleeping
Hobbies / interests – smoking
Embarrassing moment – bush diving in Palma Nova
Guilty pleasure – Paul Cuthbertson
TALKING POINT
Talking Point is as it says on the tin…although it just gives me a window to have a rant about our wonderful game.
Not so much a rant this week, as a thought that crossed my mind whilst donning the whites last weekend. Our changing area is not the biggest, and what with the size of the average cricket bag these days, room for manoeuvre is at a minimum. This got me thinking…imagine if the eleven selected were as follows…in no particular order…
Dave Mitchell
Bob Stead
Jason Taylor
John Hartley
Paul Gill
Gurdiv Singh
Paul Ascough
Glen Marriott
Neil Topham
Eddie Ruddock
Damian Selby
Food for thought eh?
ASHES TO ASHES
In what is going to be a superb summer of cricket with both the Windies and the Aussies touring and
The squad to face the
The first test against the Laid Back Lennies from the
BILL AND
It is no secret that two of Jer Lane’s stalwarts reside in our wonderful village…Messrs Payton and Garside…and with that in mind I thought it would only be fair to give these two old dogs some column inches, giving them the opportunity to promote their little and large double act. I for one envisage seeing
I feel it is my duty, each week, to highlight their comedic talent and versatility…and give them the platform they so readily deserve…
Bill – hey
Bill – what’s black, plastic and sails the seven seas?
Bell – I don’t know mate, what is black, plastic and sails the seven seas?
Bill – Binbag the Sailor…geddit…Binbag the Sailor…black, plastic and sails the seven seas!
It’s all in the timing!
TODGER OF THE WEEK (sponsored by Tim Evans)
ANY OTHER BUSINESS
Matthew “Tony Hadley” Connell has made public his disappointment at the lack of coverage of his stag weekend, in last week’s Mushroom. So here is a run down of the aforementioned thrash…
Thursday – 16.04.09
National Express to
Afternoon sesh of killer pool and copious amounts of lager
Darts at the
Copious amounts of lager
Smiler thrown out for smoking indoors
Yours truly trying to show off, slipping on wet surface and drawing blood from head wound
Visit to NGI where wound was cleaned and tetanus injection injected
Good night’s kip
Friday – 17.04.09
Breakfast
Hooters at opening time
Copious amounts of lager
Humiliation at ten pin bowling…Derm took the honours!!
Hooters again to meet Les, Jez, H, Meercat, Ash and Dr.Cricket
Captain Peaheart finds some Dutch courage and becomes a tad larey
Onto nightclub
Captain Beaky threatens to twat Captain Peaheart…then gives him a clip anyway
Some serious shape-throwing at the Cooky Club, till fourish
I verbally abuse Captain Peaheart, in the taxi, due to him being a total tit
Saturday – 18.04.09
Up at nine
Fresh looks rather green and yaks up big style outside the bus station
The longest coach journey in coach history
Back in the comfort of The Bull for two
Copious amounts of lager
Race night to look forward to?
Summary – top effort…bring on the wedding
Friendly v
In his time at Clayton, Smiler has come in for much criticism…but his brainchild…Fantasy Cricket League…is a genius idea, and will bring banter and a much needed input of coinage to the club. Jer have also taken it on board, so fair play to the spotty geek. Funny how he’s top of the league after week one though???
In my haste last week, when naming the new boys, I forgot to mention the retirement of Neil Topham, who gave many years good service, to the club. All the best mate and how you never went for thirty six in one over is beyond me!
Finally…good luck to
Edition One
CLAYTON CRICKET CLUB – WEEKLY NEWSLETTER EDITION ONE
W/E.25.04.09
Look, I know I said in the final Green Un of last season, that it was the final Green Un, well it sort of was…it’s just back under a different moniker…The Button Mushroom. Hurrah, I hear you all say?? Why The Button Mushroom I hear you all say?? Well, let’s get one thing straight…it has nothing to do with the size of my manhood…hmm, actually it has everything to do with the size of my manhood! Happy now?
With the help of my trusted lieutenant, Cartman, we aim to produce “The Mushroom “on a weekly basis, keeping you informed of all the gossip and scandal relating to our great club.
The new and improved newsletter (god I’m sad, but I’d only have to sort the garden if I wasn’t compiling this) contains one or two sparkling new features along with a couple of the old faves…
A preview of the previous weekend’s performances
The age old Duck Club
Player Profiles
Thought for the week
Ashes to Ashes
Neighbourhood Watch
Performers of the week
Hopefully the above whets your appetite for what we hope and expect to be a light hearted delve into the goings on at the mighty Clayton CC, during The Towergate Halifax Cricket League season of 2009!